Losing.....to Win?

Nothing lasts forever. You can't make someone love you. And being a good person is just not what everyone is doing.

 I have used Chocolate Girl Wonder many times to sing the praises of my relationship and cry the tears of the frustrating moments in it. Now that thus said relationship has been over for a little over six months I will use this entry to express what I've learned from my five year union, and most importantly what I have learned in these six months without (what I thought) was the love of my life.

 I'm a fairytale girl. I believe in forever. The flowers, the courting, the proclamation  of undying love, the down on one knee with the family watching, the stand by your man kinda girl. Forever in my head....meant forever. Even when the person didn't deserve forever. Didn't even deserve a now. So like all naive, good, overachieving women I chose not to give up. Unfortunately after accepting years of lying, cheating, and mistreatment the tables turned....and surprisingly....HE chose to give up. Talk about a broken heart!!!!! What a knife stab!!! Walked right out of my arms and into someone elses'. And this is what we call turning the rusty knife. That day, April 13th, 2013 I walked into my apartment after a crappy day of work to find the house rearranged and his things missing. As if the past 5 years were just a figment of my over productive imagination. His closet empty.....void of his possessions...leaving nothing but a keychain, the iron, and....the kick in the heart....a picture of me.

I could type for hours and never truly describe the emptiness I felt that day. I felt hollow as if the wind had been punched out of me and somehow I'd been stripped of my very soul. I was alone, single, and even though we'd ended it thousands of times, my conscious told me it was over...forever. Did I call, text, email and honestly damn near beg him back? Yep. My pride doesn't have a problem admitting that, because love will make you sit pride down, like a purse so you can simply fight it out for what you want. All that contact was pointless we were no longer an item and it was way past time I picked up the pieces of me. I felt a void in my soul. My apartment was so quiet I could hear my neighbors cell phone vibrate. The silence was disheartening. Truly the worst days of my life.

The realization in that was.... I got so caught up in an us that I forgot about me. I forgot what Valecia liked, loved, needed, and wanted. I forgot what I deserved. Was I the perfect girlfriend? Nope. But I did love without condition, wholeheartedly with every drop of me that was able to love. Truth being it wasn't enough for him...or better maybe it was too much. And maybe just maybe that love I was dishing out on him so recklessly....was practice for when the right man will cherish it. Does he still have a piece of my heart? Of course. I wish I had the super powers to turn my love off. It would be much easier on my heart, train of thought and ego if I could, but unfortunately for me I'm not built that way. He hasn't fully left my life of course. Like magnets we find ourselves pulled together in the most destructive ways, coming together like a molotov cocktail. Simply to remind ourselves what we loved about each other....and what we hated.

Everyday I'm reminded by Fantasia's lyrics, "sometimes you gotta lose, to win again"

The Demise of the Ride or Die Bitch

We all know her. She will rip a weave out the "other chicks" head about her man, bail him out with her gas bill money, hide the white from the feds for him, try to talk her Nana or Big Momma into putting the house up for his bail, she's there every Sunday morning for jail/prison visits, or she'll give him her tax refund to "pursue his dream" or even worse "to flip". We all know her. She is in it for the long haul. She can be a hood rat, a college educated sister, white or black. Hell she can be you or me. She's the main chick, the "one", the "wifey". The Big Tymers called her "a Hot Girl". I tend to love the Ruff Ryders term for her, "A Ride or Die Bitch". It was a song by The Lox feat. Eve. I remember it being my jam my freshman year of college. That is before I really paid attention. Here's a refresher...........

I look back on it now and all I like is Eve's makeup

ride or die chick	613 up, 77 down
	A chick that ain't afraid to be down with her man she'll do anything her man needs her to do.

 

Anywho. Flashback to Early 2000. At the time I was an eighteen year old college student. Over 600 miles away from home. For the first time in my life I became a hot commodity in my little Mississippi college town. Around me were scores of beautiful, smart young black women. And a very slim amount of attractive, smart, young black men. I believed a woman had to PROVE herself to be a keeper. At that time I saw nothing wrong with the Ride or Die Chick mentality. Not only was it ok. Unfortunately I became one. I wasn't just one for one man in my life, but many.

 I cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, bought his clothes, bought his weed, picked him up, dropped him off, paid OUR way, and fought bitches that "compromised" my position. Don't get it twisted, I wasn't ho'ing around. I was proving my dedication to a man I thought I loved. Later I see most of these situations weren't even about love. It was more so about my relationship validating me. If I kept him that meant I was worthy. If he left it proved what I believed....that I wasn't good enough. And even though in the back of my mind I felt like an idiot. I felt like the end justified the means. He would eventually be my husband. Needless to say,  I am not nor have I ever been married. So not only did I not get the ending I would have hoped for. I was left with a naked ring finger and a lot of heartache. Did I put two and two together and got four? Yes. But did I stop immediately? No. It wasn't something I could stop cold turkey. It seemed almost ingrained in me.

Mrs. T.I aka Tiny, being comforted by Monica as they leave TIP's last court hearing before heading back for 11 more months of prison time

But it did eat away at me. Giving one hundred per cent of myself became a full-time job. More than I could handle. Especially when I realized in most cases I hadn't received fifty per cent in return. At one point I felt like I was nothing. My sanity was holding on by a thread. In 2005 I felt my ex was slipping from my hands and there was nothing I could do about it. He demanded that I cut my hair. So the day before my grandmother's funeral I cut off all my hair. To pacify and keep a man not worth keeping. To be honest I hated my short hair. It was hot. But not me. The hair cut was an extension of him.. It just happened to be that I was wearing it. Due to the fact that he lived next door to my salon he kept tabs on when I got it done. As weird as this sounds he wasn't very controlling. At the time I did it willingly all in the mindset of keeping him.

Most women don't realize that they take on the ride or die mentality. We can't make these men seem like the bad guys. Yes they can be sometimes, or good guys that make bad choices, or just current bad choices to be with. We as women however make the choice to stay, support, and pacify these men in there behaviors. I slowly began to realize that this wasn't working for me. While doing everything and being the super heroine I realized I wasn't that man's princess. I wasn't being cuddled and showered with gifts. I had nothing to show for my hard work. So I left that relationship. Still not leaving the mentality.

How I killed my ride or die bitch

So in 2008 I started a new relationship. Taking away some of the things I did , but still keeping a lot of qualities. I accepted less than respectful behavior, got loud and grimey with a chick or two. Rather than see it for what it was. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a supportive girlfriend. Nothing. But this there to the end mentality is no longer for me. I have officially rejected it. I am in it until my common sense and heart tells me to stop. No longer can I be Ride or Die for people who have never been ride or die for me. I can only now just love as a heart and woman loves. And give up when it is time to so. Does that end my dedication? Loyalty? supportiveness? No. No. No. It just ends a hard core senseless dedication to it. I am happy to say I am no longer a ride or die chick. For some women this could end in marriage and a happily ever after. Good for them, but for me....I just can't do it. I'm just Valecia. A good woman. Who has a starting point and stopping point with my love. And I know the stopping point aint death. LOL.

Mars and Venus: Is there a good excuse???

It seems lately like a lot of my blogs center around relationships. Or the lack there of. That's not all I am about, but it's the topic that always seems to rear it's ugly head into my life. I just find the relationships between men and women amazing. 


I don't lump myself into categories with other women. I'm special. Not better just cut from a different cloth. I was raised the youngest and only girl. I spent my young days climbing trees with the boys. Rolling to the football games with the guys. Hanging out with my God brothers. Even now when I date men. I find more enjoyment hanging out with my guy and his friends than I do the women they are dating. It's opened my eyes to so many different things. Yet and still the male mind never fails to confuse the hell out of me. 


I have a touch and go friendship with one of my exes. I have brought him up in this blog before. I refer to him as Master Manipulator. MM for short. Anyway this touch and go friendship is that way because he.....well he's him. He always wants another shot...that doesn't exist. It makes things weird. Who the hell wants a weird friendship? So I jet. Last night I called him to say hello. Give a little support for a family loss and basically just catch up. The convo was light until he blurted out the craziest thing. "I cheated on you because you were too good for me". Five seconds of silence. "And that was my way of telling you to move on without me I'm sorry". 
My response? I hit the little red end button on my phone and put it back on the charger. So I sat there on the end of my bed looking bewildered. For lack of better words. Who the fuck does that? 


Then of course. I called back and let him have it. I asked, "What kinda excuse was that?" Through mumbles and apologies he tried to explain hisself to no avail. 


We all have excuses for what we do. I have had friends use them all: I was drunk. He doesn't do what he used to. He cheated on me. I just wanted to try this other guy out. I have a few of my own, but excuses are just that, Excuses. Until he said the realest and most honest thing he's could have let part from his lips in the nine years we've known each other. 

"I mean seriously V what excuse is REALLY acceptable?. None"

So that leads me to ask you.......

Is there ever an instance where cheating is okay and acceptable? If so....when? 

???

T-Pain's new tattoo. Ummm well He does have a point here and it's far better than the ice cream cone on Mr. Psych ward Gucci Mane's face, but no matter how you look at it....smh yall' doing too much.

Sharing is caring???

DISCLAIMER: A few days ago I had a conversation with one of my facebook/twitter/blog pals about relationships. I love to hear the male opinion. It helps me understand them a tad bit better. After long chats with him I walk away with a little enlightment and just a bit less anger or disappointment in my own love life. This time however I walked away with that hair blown back look they so often use in the Trojan commercials. The things that come out of men's mouths are so confusing and hilarious. He informed me that he is a consistent cheater. He has almost always cheated on his mates. And informed me that if I wanted to do so as well (which I don't) that the person I was cheating with...as well as myself had to follow the cheating rules. Rules?? There are rules to cheating??? Ok I have fuckin heard it all. That led me to another thought. How I am unwilling to knowingly share a man. But deep down inside I believe we all have. So is sharing......really caring??


I live in a fairly small.....uhhh we'll call it a city. It's far bigger than a town, but it is not a metropolis by any means.As a matter of fact U.S. Census Bureau has a calculated at a whopping 199,150 sad ass people.  With all that being said dating picks are very slim here. They fall into these categories: You have slept with them already, you tried to date them and they are "undateable", your family member or friend dated them, they are a hoe, or they are related to you. After you ensure that they aren't one of those five you begin to feel them out. After a few long phone conversations, (you know the great ones where you don't want to get off the phone until the sun comes up) a couple romantic dinners and movie dates you have found yourself in a relationship. An honest relationship. Congrats hun. You now have a boo.


Then the changes kick in. The routines begin to change. He never leaves his phone up anymore. His friends seem really uncomfortable around you like they are watching their words closely. Dates are canceled. Arguments ensue. And then you become.....the female Inspector gadget. With a little investigatory work you start to see things. He doesn't even show a relationship status anymore. The mutual friend you guys have on FB that refers to him as "Boo". You start to watch her statuses closely...wait a fuckin minute....she is claimin yo man....and all hell is about to break lose. Or is it? Well where I'm from not a damn thing happens. You might have a couple heated convos referring to each other as bitches and hoes. You might post a childish status that reads: "Fuck you bitch he tells you what you want to hear, but he comes home to me".It's quite common in my area to have two female friends on your status claiming to be Mrs. Bryan (hypothetical story and name yall). So without actually saying it you have both accepted that he is a shared boo. You would rather share him with "that bitch" than not have him at all. Really hun? You've just put fuel on his already blazing fire. You just told him without saying it "sharing is caring". And that he can keep fuckin off and you.....yes YOU will accept it.

So the question is...when did we begin to lower our standards so damn much? I'm not talking polyamory, or relationships that aren't deemed exclusive or serious. When did we allow Mr. Zero to  think that he was such a hero that he could save every woman within a thirty mile radius and still lay in the sheets with us. Without so much as a question? When did being in a relationship become more than self respect?

Now lets get something straight. Mama aint makin' fun of you or looking down on you. I've been there. Done that. Refuse to be so low that I'm willing to do it again, but I know from experience there is a certain low you are at when you accept less than your best. I've been there. Everyone else was at fault except that person. He was not being held accountable. And until I opened my eyes and held this man accountable for his actions I wouldn't be doing myself justice. 

I was raised with two older brothers. They were fifteen and seventeen when I was born. Therefore I kinda consider myself to be an only child. This has helped me be just a tad bit selfish. A trait that I will never apologize for. The person I choose to make my mate will never have to share me with another man. Therefore I refuse to share him with another woman.  Is sharing caring??? Maybe for someone.You're just not caring for yourself. 

Line 1.

The phone......*ahem* the mobile phone. One of the best creations ever made. I won't lie I damn near live and die by my ability to use my blackberry. If I put my hand in my purse and I don't immediately feel it my temperature sky rockets. I like the majority of cell phone owners am addicted to the connectedness that comes with mobile access. I can text, chat, BBM, video chat, Facebook, tweet, and all kindsa shit. My ability to remain  in constant communication with the world is endless. I can connect with anyone. ANYONE. The world wide web coupled with the cool things these new fangled phones do is pure heaven for sneaky people and cheaters. The internet and a phone doesn't make a good person a cheater. It does however make a cheater a better and much more sneaky one. So with all that in mind.....I asked a few friends (by text of course).....

If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/boo/sex thang traded phones for twenty four hours would you still have a girlfriend/boyfriend/boo/sex thang?

 A few of my friends responded with the happy cheery...."oh but of course". Those are the kinds of responses that made me roll my eyes and almost throw my blackberry. You know what I'm saying. Those are the responses I got from girls whose men ain't about shit. You know we all got a friend with a sorry ass man. She knows it. Hell, the world knows it. But she expects you to pretend like he's reformed and pretend like he's a stand-up guy.  Those responses......I all out ignored. Then the REAL responses came. Some said yes....and I believed them. My married friend said her and her husband sometime mistakenly take the wrong phones in the morning. And never has she had an issue. No passwords hidden. No locks. No nothing. And then there were other answers, "Hell no! All my girls think they the only one" said one of my whorebag male friends.

 The most interesting response came from a coworker. She informed me that her boyfriend isn't even "allowed" to own a cell phone.

That's when I gave the WTF face.

 This required more than a back and forth text rapport. This was damn near a face to face interview. Or at least an after work drink session the next day. So over Linguini and Strawberry Limoncello Martinis she explained herself. " He isn't allowed to talk to bitches" she stated. "What does he need to have female friends for?" I already knew it was a question I need not answer. She controlled the relationship and his ability to go any further than 100 feet from his house or job. But she wasn't a saint. Her list of male suitors were lined around the block.

   I won't lie. I thought hmmm seems like a good idea. But honestly what real warm blooded brother (or man of any race) is really okay with being strapped with crazy rules and regulations. Honestly what woman of maturity and normal functioning brain capacity would be okay trying to set those kinds of restrictions on a man? Trust is a questionable thing. I don't toy with it. It's fragile. In today's day in age trust and relationship boundaries are far more gray than than the black and white way that seemed so much easier. On one side unshakeable trust makes an unshakeable relationship. But then again when did having a romantic relationship with someone mean that was an end to any possible personal space?  I'm sure my booski wouldn't be pleased at EVERYTHING in my phone. Or me with his, but that's why my phone is mine. And his is his. So...who knows what would happen if we switched phones. I just know for now......we won't.

Dear Tasia,

Dear Fantasia, 


      Every since you won Idol I have been on your team. I'll admit I didn't watch a damn ounce of it that season, but I watched the finale hoping the black girl with "the extra black features that danced in heels" would win. And lo and behold you did. I was sooo happy for you. You gave faith to all us not-so-cute quirky looking sisters all over the world. And that final winners' rendition of "When You Believe" left me crying the rest of the evening. You were more than the winner....you were kinda...I don't know...like me. Like the kinda girl I would call my friend . And that's why miss mama...we need to talk..SERIOUSLY!!!!


  From one pseudo friend to another pseudo friend, artist to fan, or sister girl to sister girl this bangin' other people's husbands' mess is NOT a good look. Hearing about this drama riled me up like bad weave bunched up at the nape. Don't be fooled mama men don't cheat because the woman they are with is not offering something they should. They cheat simply because they do and can. And if a woman such as yourself is willing to lower her standards and give up nana to a man why would he not take it?? Is the world on your case?? Hmm...maybe. Is it unfair? Hell no. Some people may argue and say this man is solely at fault because it was his marriage, but I say it's always the fault of "the other woman". If women weren't willing to be the extra person there wouldn't be anyone to cheat with and at the end of the day all his bogus ass could do is go home to his wife. Just like he is supposed to. There aren't certain kind of women that are worth cheating on and others that are not. If he loved her enough to marry her and he cheated on her please believe your ass is next. He will do it again.....not today, tomorrow, or even next year, but......eventually. 


This is a mistake, but not a catastrophe. This is nothing to end your life over. What takes more guts is walking away from the drama and living a life of higher standards. Better yet kill him lol. (just kidding). This is your moment to show the world what a real good woman would do. The world doesn't hate you. But there are plenty of women in the world (namely fans of you) who have been cheated on before and we are not feeling your pain. And don't ask us to. We still got love for you we're just not agreeance with your behaviors. We still love you Tasia. Remember......anything is possible when you believe.






     

So I was thinking.......( a random inebriated rant): The love/sex/relationship version

Excuse me while I fill my special Moscato glass. This rant is going to go everywhere so......if you're into structured blogging might I suggest you move to St. Elsewhere. And this will not be a G rated discussion.....so ummm you have been fully warned. This could get a little crude, crass, gutta, and whatever other euphemism you may use for unlady like tackiness. Let the show begin.

I could shave my goodies into a cute little heart, maintain all body hair to a low if not non-existent stage, maintain flawless sexy bouncy hair at all times, cute pedicured toes, a hot wardrobe, a cute face, and a sick shoe game, a beautiful mind, and a sexy plump body, with earth-shattering good va-jay jay and I will still be in the club/church/museum/casino/library/___________(fill in blank with any location women go hopelessly looking to meet men) searching. I wont spend another second looking for him....






TELL THAT MUTHAFUCKA COME FIND ME

Maybe love is not for me. MM told me that I give the best love to the worst niggas. Hmmm soooo what you're trying to tell me is to stop being who I am??? Stop being a good woman. Or pick better men??? Well in my defense the men I date don't tend to show that they are sub-par until after I put all my energy and good loving on em'. Yeah after I've stroked there ego and done many "good woman" acts they then want to jump out of the proverbial birthday cake on some "Hey baby I ain't shyt/I got issues/I'm a fixer-upper/I'm crazy/I'm a hoe" type shyt. SMH I'm thinking about becoming asexual. (Look it up) This is just becoming too much. But wait...where will I get sex? Never mind. I'll just do porn.....and remain single j/k.
I am proud to say at the age of 28 I have finally learned how to differentiate between love and sex. It took a while, but I finally understand it. The person I love has some pretty kick ass sex. If I could continuously give him the na-na without being reminded of the love I'd do it, but I can't. The love part is FAR more confusing than the good old bump and grind sooo... I'll just have lonely na-na. (Jeez that sux!) Ladies please learn the difference it will save you a LOT of unnecessary heartache. 
Oh and while I'm going on about "doin' it" yall wrap it up!!!! Hoes are on the prowl!!! Life is far more fulfilling than an orgasm. And I heard single parent-hood ain't too fun either!
Some people tend to believe that fat/chubby/curvy girls aren't cute enough to have men/boyfriends/potentials/suitors/etc. I have heard some go into detail about how unattractive, unappealing, and undesirable a plus-size woman is to them....ummm ok babes that is your opinion. Hold onto it for dear life but you will never make me believe that this chick right here aint the hottest fat girl alive.

And I can give you a front and back list of men who feel the same. It has nothing to do with being even an ounce of conceited, but it has everything to do with being sexy and confident. I know that any real man wouldn't dare dream of fucking off on this girl....as MM would say unless he was on his, "Hoe nigga shyt".
I'm not the baddest chick in the game, but my exes always leave me for some extra lame ugly bitches....ugh WTF are THEY on???? smh They must got bank!!
Who fakes orgasms??? *hand up* I do!! The male ego is a delicate thing. If you tell him he's the shit he will act accordingly. If you tell him he bang like he just discovered he even had a penis you will get nothing, but a man that's scared to try again....so I do what I gotta.....when I gotta. 
Every woman should know a few great sexual tricks. Use them accordingly. Every man don't deserve the "taj Mahal" some just need to get the state capital.
The next man I seriously date has to bring so much to the table all I need to do is pull up a chair and feast! I'm not at all a gold-digger, but if I gotta donate to his fund...I am done. I'm on my Tierra Marie shit. I'm trying to find myself a sponsor.....
Don't be fooled by this ramble sex isn't the ruler of my existence. Love is. I'm just a tad bit (understatement) disillusioned by the relationships I've been in. Some things will never change. I'm a princess. I still want a prince. A real one. 
One thing I have never been able to do. Make myself stop loving someone....hmmm??? Is it really even possible?? If any of you have tried and succeeded. Teach me. Please?
Why are so many men ok with being rebounds. It makes me wonder.....do you really want my exes bitter ass leftovers? 
Ummm I learned the hard way...it really is the motion of the ocean. Cuz everyone that fills a gold wrapped condom isn't beating down walls...smh I would explain, but I don't wanna pull up that sad memory.And even worse incriminate myself. 
I digress I am no longer against cheating... a woman's reason is never the same as a man's. I know. I shocked myself when I came to this conclusion. It's still not right, but *kanye shrug*
I can't stand a liar..I guess it's the truth. Men lie. Women lie. Numbers don't. 
Sometimes I want to be a hoe just to see why niggas like doing it so much, but then I realize I have a full time job. It takes too much effort to remember which men I'm turning down. Who the hell has time to accept them all and date them all. Hell I do got to sleep!
I'm waiting. The man upstairs is going to give me a man that is everything I wanted, and some of the things I didn't know I wanted and I'm going to love him long time. And dammit he will feel the same way about this chocolate girl. The love will be amazing. The Sex will be amazing. And the relationship will....be amazing. With a trifecta like that we will be unstoppable. Until then.....I just have to be unstoppable....by my damn self.

 

Confessions of a bitter bitch.....Pt. 1 My Almost Demise

I've been hurt, cheated on, and lied to. Many times. Yet I continued to believe the power of love would prevail over all. I believed the promises of change, the belief that things would get better, the idea that every thing was something that could be fixed.

So I forged ahead in this murky water of a relationship. Until I couldn't even see where I was going anymore. And worse off.....I couldn't even see my hand in front of my own damn face. I was so stuck on forging ahead I couldn't see myself. I lost the most important person...me. And when I lost her..me, my main bitch...all hell broke loose. My ability to be logical and rational flew out the door. I began to blame everyone else for his infidelities...even myself. The other woman became the enemy even though she was just as clueless as I was. I wanted to go to war. I wanted destruction and blood on the pavement. I wanted heads to roll and people to feel as bad , hopeless, useless, destroyed, and torn down as I felt. I wanted someone to feel the emptiness I felt in my heart. That nulling pain that I filled with alcohol all day. I needed someone to feel that lump in my throat that caused me to eat one meal every other day. I needed someone else to lose sleep and cry. I needed someone else...anyone else to pay. To pay for my heartache. I became elusive, distant, cold and callous. I closed my eyes and envisioned my lover meeting his demise at my very own hands. I had planned at very least giving him the ass whooping of a lifetime. Hospitalization included of course. Breathing tubes and all. And while setting up in my head this crazy plan, sitting silently, methodically on my bed. Letting my thoughts brew and fester that would lead me to becoming the next new SNAPPED episode.... I STOPPED.

Only then had I realized what this situation had done to me My bitterness was seconds away from eating me alive. The tears began to fall and I couldn't catch my breath. I felt trapped. In a relationship that would never be right, in a relationship that was killing my very existence and spirit. I picked up the phone and called my best friend. "I'm not strong enough to leave", I cried. "I need help". And together in and hour and a half we devised my getaway plan. A plan that requires me leaving my home, my city, my state. Which all may seem drastic, but the plan also included, the most important elements: Regaining my life. Nurturing my soul. Rediscovering Valecia. Picking up the pieces. And making me whole again. So now I prepare myself for a new home and for the healing to begin. This will not be easy. But my God it is so necessary. Am I still hurt??? yes. Angry?? Damn right!  Bitter? Most definitely. Time to heal..... I'm so ready for the process to begin.  I no longer want to be...bitter.

Life as a fat girl Part 3: The relationships and the men that made them....

DISCLAIMER: It's been a looooooong time coming. Not quite sure why I left you hanging, but I'm picking up where I left off back in *turns and coughs* March. LOL Sorry about that. As I raise my glass of Moscato we can get into the stories of life....and the best parts...LOVE. So...let's begin shall we.....

Soooo in August of 1999 I stepped out of my God mother's Cadillac into a hot unbearable heat in a tiny nowhere town called Senatobia, Mississippi. Before that...I had a hard time getting boys to look at me. Wait I take that back. I had a hard time getting boys I LIKED to look at me. I was a college freshman 642 miles away from home. If I didn't do anything else I was going to have a good time. And I did. I had a date damn near every night first semester. This was soooooo new. By Thanksgiving I had settled on a cutie we will call A.H (Almost Husband) I was 18. He was 17. He was a senior who took classes part time at the community college I attended. We worked together at the local Burger King and somehow became inseparable. He was everything I wanted a boyfriend to be (or so I thought). As the days went on I realized Community college wasn't really my bag. We mutually agreed that I would go back to Wisconsin and attend the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. I did however come back to Wisconsin an engaged woman. Yes I was going to marry A.H even though I didn't know a damn thang about life or love yet. I just knew I had found the first boy who really liked me. And maybe...just maybe even loved me. We stayed together. Somehow. Until I met my first love, MM (You remember him fondly as Master Manipulator). That's when everything changed. I broke off my long-distance relationship for what stood in front of me. A strong, gorgeous, chocolate, sexy straight out of prison co-worker. (Yeah I see you shaking your head) Say what you want. He was breathtaking and he wanted little ole' college girl me. To him I was a sexy ass chocolate girl. Yeah I know it's all talk, but when you don't get praise. That shit meant everything.

That relationship was volatile at best. Constant lying, cheating, and of course manipulation on his part. I was dating a man thirteen years older than me. Even being the book smart college junior I was, my book smarts was no match for his street knowledge. I felt trapped. I felt like I had to stay because no one made me feel as special, but then again no one tore me down as much. I felt like I couldn't do any better. We went back and forth for almost five years till finally I realized I couldn't beat myself up anymore. I actually could find better. It wouldn't be the next day, but it would DEFINITELY happen. If I let M.M go.

So I enjoyed about a year of the single life. It was nice. Vacations. Time with friends. Discovering ones self. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Singleness is not my thing. I was left to my own devices and not to mention no regular cuddling and sex. Jeez that sucked, but I made it through with a lil' help here and there *wink* and found myself with a suitor...

Now at 26 the fairy tale of love should have been clean over, but the little girl in me never quite gave up the dream. Enter E.B (Estranged Boyfriend). Massive flirting. Lots of phone calls, one visit, and BAM!!! We were a live-in couple......well kinda. Our bodies were in the same location for the most parts. Well rarely. But our minds were somewhere else. I spent a large portion of time trying to get used to living with a man. He spent a large portion of time trying to get the hell out of the house. Anywhere that wasn't there. Was there love there? Hell yeah. But the differences were too strong. I take pride in saying I loved hard. Harder than I knew I was capable of. I loved him as is. He had issues with me as is. I gave all of me. But.....we all know we can't make people treat you the way you need. It faltered. Even though I gave my all. It wasn't enough. Do I feel bad? No. I did all I can do...It happens that way sometimes.I will never talk bad about him. That love for me was amazing it brightened my life. We just couldn't make that shine last. The famous two words are always....LESSON LEARNED.

 There were some guys in between these three, but these gentleman have yet to be rivaled in the effect they placed on my life. The emotion, the growth, the tears, the love, the anger. Not bad for the little, short, fat black girl with slightly askew hair. Who thought know one would like her...not because of the hair, but the whole short, black, fat thing. The men are still coming and the story still continues..... it's always interesting....in the life of a fat girl

Love and the unsatisfiable man aka you expect me to do what????

DISCLAIMER: This is going to get just a little personal. So if you know me personally try NOT to discuss this with me it's the feelings I am more than willing to share with the world that I just refuse to talk about one on one....weird?? I know. Deal with it. This is what I think and feel. There's a comment box for your opinion, but yet and still I'm Chocolate Girl Wonder and this is my proverbial soap box. I stand on it all alone. *smiles*

"Why don't you love me when I make me so damn easy to love"

                                                    -Beyonce Knowles-Carter

I've heard the stories about what it takes to keep a man. It requires being a good woman. I do a good job with that. I have my own job. Yes it's not a career, but it pays my bills. I am smart. I have my own place. I'm loving. Supportive. Pay my own bills. I can cook. I can clean. I have a relationship with my Creator. I have my own car. I'm fairly attractive. I have common sense. I'm not embarrassing in public. I try to be a great accent to my man's life. Not a nuisance. I know the role of the woman and I play it well. Oh.....and don't be fooled by the size 18 jeans. My sex game is vicious. Yeah you read that right ....VICIOUS!! Yet and still I find myself in the same love rat race as my friends who have not a clue. I get the idea that these men...... *gasp* want more. 


I have yet to figure out what the more is. I just came to the conclusion that a woman can be everything that she should be to her significant other and yet and still that simply isn't enough to keep him happy. Whether it be a roaming, hand, eye, and/or penis or just sheer restlessness when they get the girl that fits their mental list they don't know what to do with her, that is except make more requests. And women...we attempt to cater. Why??  We tend to bend over backwards to ensure a relationship rather than be single.  Or we oblige out of love. So we continue to try in vain, because the list NEVER seems to be fulfilled. But the real questions remain unasked. While you're jumping through hoops. Do these men really meet your requirements? I have found myself jumping through hoops for men who have proven themselves to be abusers, cheaters, manipulators, and all around losers. All for the name of love. All for the idea of finding the ONE. Never making any of them jump through hoops. Just expecting them to be the kind-hearted, smart, head-strong good man they seemed to be in the beginning while *sigh* alas getting no results. But I'm still scrambling eggs, while showering and somehow giving head all before I head out the door at seven in the morning. (Sorry for the unnecessary visual, but you get my point) All so I can still not be enough. 


Is this an excuse for men to not settle down, to not commit, to not marry, to not mature. Is this what we as females have to live with? Or is it simply what we deal with? When we expect more we will get more. Or better yet we should lengthen our list of requirements. Maybe we should be waking up to some scrambled eggs and head, and know that it's NOT a power thing, or a demand issue, or doing it out of fear of singledom, but out of true love and the desire to cater to each others needs. The equation is simple an Unsatisfied man = an unsatisfied woman. So we all know what a happy woman equals...... a very happy man. 

Excuse me while I spaz out: An Army of one

Sometimes life hands you lemons, and dammit there ain't no sugar and water around so....you just suck on them bitches, until the lemons are gone. You have to just push through the bad situations until it's over. Yes it will leave a bad taste in your mouth. But trust me it is nothing that you can't handle. If life handed me it's sweetness all the time I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. However sometimes you don't want to be the strong one. Sometimes I don't want to be the one that talks it out. I don't want to be the rational one. I don't want to be the classy one. I want to pull my ponytail back, take off my earrings, put Vaseline on my face and kick ass. Or cry, kick, and scream. Some days I want to be irrational. Like make a list of hoes that have an ass whooping coming there way, fill up my gas tank, drive around and check off the list all day. Or drink a bottle of Merlot and give someone the bottle.....literally right up against their wig-piece. Or whine, bitch, moan, and cry like all my co-workers do about the random shit in their lives. I want to feel as if I'm so damn important that the axis should cease to exist and the world should stop spinning for me. I want to be inconsiderate to people's feelings, become a compulsive liar, or a consistent cheater. I want to cheat on almost every person I've been with and STILL have them love me like I've been the greatest woman to ever enter their life. I want to be all that's fucked up with the world sometimes. Just to see why people are the way they are. But yet and still I can't, Because I'm strong. It takes a lot to be an army of one.

Who in the hell left the gate open?

WTF is up with all these lame ass men trying to make a love connection over facebook, myspace, and twitter all of a fuckin sudden? When did men stop feeling like they had to put in some damn effort? So all it takes is a few pic comments and a couple a chats and I should give you my phone number? Tuhhhh Where dey do dat at? I am not COMPLETELY against online love connection, but men don't feel compelled to give a 100% anymore. Just bland ass convo with NOTHING else to offer. These "men" claim they want to get to know me. Umm, no you don't. My man KNOWS me and I put money down that sometimes he probably wish he didn't. I could be the sweetest woman you ever had. I can also be the most evil bitch on the planet and you'd have to ask yourself is that the same chick that cooked dinner last night! Unfortunately for you....yes it is! So what you get to know you either won't like or can't handle so.....let's cut the convo short NOW! *rolls eyes* We have a black president, and it's a new decade. Brothas step ya game up please!

When The Saints...Go Marching in!!

I am NOT a football fan! It is actually the equivalent to Chinese water torture for me. I do however have a large part of my heart that belongs to the great NOLA! I vacay'ed there in the Summer of 2007 and my heart has beein missing it's Creole cajun goodness and southern hospitality every since.

The charm, charisma, strength, and power of that city is undeniable. And to them I say congratulations......to The New Orleans Saints for winning Super Bowl XLIV (that would be the 44th ladies). And to celebrate here's one of my fave Louisiana artists and songs.....for what this city has been through I think the title and song is pretty fitting *muah*



Geaux Saints!