Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Just a tad late on the 420.....

Ummm I'm not a smoker. Don't claim to be and don't want to be, but when I saw these shoes. I became damn near obsessed. Anyone know where I can get these??? Please!!! They are the HOTNESS!!!!

Monday, April 26, 2010

What about your friends??

   We all know that I am a big fan of Sex and The City. The day to day lives of four fabulous women, with  exciting, and envious romantic and sexually adventures reeled me in long, long ago. The one thing that made it all the more interesting was.....the friendship. The understanding that no matter what happened to the guys, the jobs, the events, the hot clothes by the time the sound of the sax started in the closing credits the friendship was in tact. Are real friendships that easy? NO! Especially with women? HELL NO! 

 I have had my share of female friends. Some close enough to know everything about me. I've considered some to be sisters. I have even put one or two before the best interest of me and my own blood. Very few have become this close to me. Hell let's keep it real. Just one. And that didn't work out. Not sure why. Not quite sure if I even care. I just know it didn't and I accept that. Other friendships failed for other superficial reasons. Or better yet weren't even real. Sometimes however, (and I do mean just sometimes) I miss the sisterhood and camaraderie of being a part of a tight everyday unit.

  But......I don't make friendships easy. I am what my mom calls "sometimey". I have never been the most friendly person. Do you see people you know sometimes and you wonder whose going to speak first? Well if I'm that other person don't hold your breath. If I saw you Monday and I said hello I kinda find it pointless to say hello on Wednesday. Weird?? Yeah I know. I'm not a casual conversationalist. I don't talk about the game, the weather, or all those other unimportant things people discuss just to have a reason to run there fuckin mouths. That behavior makes me come off as a bitch at times. Okay most of the time. Fuck it. All the time. Few understand my actions.

  The girls who understand my actions and who I am as a woman have always been there. We may not be as tight as Samantha, Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda, but they know me. I can call them on them when times are hard or for nothing at all. And I know the feeling is likewise. When others whine about how mean Valecia is they say, "Naww, that's my girl you just don't know her like I do". And that's the point. My real friends take the real me and accept it. They don't just know of me. They KNOW me. And if those types are few, far and in between....I'm more than happy with the few I got.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

even with out clothes...never take it off.....

So....I'm a fat girl. Yep. Been one for the largest part of my life. It has given me a great deal of insight. A little bit of struggle, but most importantly it allowed me to put on my armor and fierceness EVERYDAY. Some call it confidence. I refer to it as.......BADASSBITCHNESS. Yep. How unlady like of me to create such a term! But it's the one I use. Most importantly it fits. Allow me to explain.

One cold winter night in early 2008 a bored young lady sat at home in her fave Hanes her way tank and grubby sweat pants. Out of sheer boredom I (yes it was me) got off the couch and did my makeup, threw on one of my many wigs that lay in my hall closet, and began to take cell pics for lack of a better social life. After a few pics I was left with this.....

My first thought upon looking at my phone was, "Damn that's a bad bitch". It took awhile, but eventually I came to the conclusion that that "bad bitch" was me. Once that slowly sunk in I began to treat myself as such. I stopped feeling as if a girl in a size six jean was better than me or that I was any less great of a catch because I shopped in a different section than some of the girls from work I went on shopping excursions with. I finally became a confident woman. I think the new found confidence allowed me to be more outspoken, more comfortable in any situation, sexier, more....Valecia. I think that confidence helped start my relationship with E.B. Honestly I felt unstoppable.

It didn't stay that way though. Not at all.

I don't blame my boyfriend for my personal feelings about myself, but sometimes women tend to connect their self-worth to their relationships. When things were good, I felt beautiful. When things were bad, I felt bad, ugly, and horrendously unworthy. The badassbitchness that had reeled him in was gone.

But I didn't know it yet.

In April of last year I decided to schedule a photo shoot. Not because I wanted to, but because my boyfriend thought it was a good idea. In between the 3 months before the shoot I worked out like crazy and focused hard on trying to make my photos the most positive experience possible. A few of my "urban plus size model" friends informed me that I was in good hands photographer wise. So all that was left to do was point and shoot. When I stepped out in the sun of the Chicago Lakeshore Drive location I froze up immediately. I could feel the sweat seeping through my dress. People were watching and probably wondering "Who the fuck is this fat girl?" I'm sure they wanted to know what made me so special. I'm sure they were judging everything about me. I realized then while worrying about my nails and clothes and hair I forgot to put on the most important piece. My BADASSBITCHNESS. I felt weak and extremely vulnerable. Others liked the pictures. Me?? Not so much simply because it made me think about the experience being slightly..crappy.

Confidence is not an easy thing. I struggle with it daily, but I get better with each morning I wake. Few have it in it's truest, purest, most unwavering form. Those people are generally considered egotistical and self-centered. One comes to mind immediately....

Honestly I envy these types. Just a little bit. BADASSBITCHNESS should never be taken off. Good days. Bad days. Dressed to the nines. In your sweats. Or butt ass naked. You should still have it on. Yes ladies. Your BADASSBITCHNESS and a smile and you can make it through anything. So with all that said,

"What are you wearing?"

Friday, April 9, 2010

Heart Broken, and down trodden....and sending congrats

Am I really that out of the loop that I didn't know my BABY DADDY (in my head of course), Robin Thicke had conceived a child with his wife, Lil miss priss Paula Patton. (Yeah I know you can sense the jealousy).
Robin.....I'm soooo hurt I thought our love was much deeper than this... *sigh* Apparently the gorgeous couple welcomed their first child, Julian into the world yesterday. So I guess it's over for me and Robin. He's no longer lost without me...and I guess *tear* I won't be shaking it for daddy anymore. *sad face*


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