Saturday, April 10, 2010

even with out clothes...never take it off.....

So....I'm a fat girl. Yep. Been one for the largest part of my life. It has given me a great deal of insight. A little bit of struggle, but most importantly it allowed me to put on my armor and fierceness EVERYDAY. Some call it confidence. I refer to it as.......BADASSBITCHNESS. Yep. How unlady like of me to create such a term! But it's the one I use. Most importantly it fits. Allow me to explain.

One cold winter night in early 2008 a bored young lady sat at home in her fave Hanes her way tank and grubby sweat pants. Out of sheer boredom I (yes it was me) got off the couch and did my makeup, threw on one of my many wigs that lay in my hall closet, and began to take cell pics for lack of a better social life. After a few pics I was left with this.....

My first thought upon looking at my phone was, "Damn that's a bad bitch". It took awhile, but eventually I came to the conclusion that that "bad bitch" was me. Once that slowly sunk in I began to treat myself as such. I stopped feeling as if a girl in a size six jean was better than me or that I was any less great of a catch because I shopped in a different section than some of the girls from work I went on shopping excursions with. I finally became a confident woman. I think the new found confidence allowed me to be more outspoken, more comfortable in any situation, sexier, more....Valecia. I think that confidence helped start my relationship with E.B. Honestly I felt unstoppable.

It didn't stay that way though. Not at all.

I don't blame my boyfriend for my personal feelings about myself, but sometimes women tend to connect their self-worth to their relationships. When things were good, I felt beautiful. When things were bad, I felt bad, ugly, and horrendously unworthy. The badassbitchness that had reeled him in was gone.

But I didn't know it yet.

In April of last year I decided to schedule a photo shoot. Not because I wanted to, but because my boyfriend thought it was a good idea. In between the 3 months before the shoot I worked out like crazy and focused hard on trying to make my photos the most positive experience possible. A few of my "urban plus size model" friends informed me that I was in good hands photographer wise. So all that was left to do was point and shoot. When I stepped out in the sun of the Chicago Lakeshore Drive location I froze up immediately. I could feel the sweat seeping through my dress. People were watching and probably wondering "Who the fuck is this fat girl?" I'm sure they wanted to know what made me so special. I'm sure they were judging everything about me. I realized then while worrying about my nails and clothes and hair I forgot to put on the most important piece. My BADASSBITCHNESS. I felt weak and extremely vulnerable. Others liked the pictures. Me?? Not so much simply because it made me think about the experience being slightly..crappy.

Confidence is not an easy thing. I struggle with it daily, but I get better with each morning I wake. Few have it in it's truest, purest, most unwavering form. Those people are generally considered egotistical and self-centered. One comes to mind immediately....

Honestly I envy these types. Just a little bit. BADASSBITCHNESS should never be taken off. Good days. Bad days. Dressed to the nines. In your sweats. Or butt ass naked. You should still have it on. Yes ladies. Your BADASSBITCHNESS and a smile and you can make it through anything. So with all that said,

"What are you wearing?"

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts with Thumbnails