Friday, June 4, 2010

Life as a fat girl Part 3: The relationships and the men that made them....

DISCLAIMER: It's been a looooooong time coming. Not quite sure why I left you hanging, but I'm picking up where I left off back in *turns and coughs* March. LOL Sorry about that. As I raise my glass of Moscato we can get into the stories of life....and the best parts...LOVE. So...let's begin shall we.....

Soooo in August of 1999 I stepped out of my God mother's Cadillac into a hot unbearable heat in a tiny nowhere town called Senatobia, Mississippi. Before that...I had a hard time getting boys to look at me. Wait I take that back. I had a hard time getting boys I LIKED to look at me. I was a college freshman 642 miles away from home. If I didn't do anything else I was going to have a good time. And I did. I had a date damn near every night first semester. This was soooooo new. By Thanksgiving I had settled on a cutie we will call A.H (Almost Husband) I was 18. He was 17. He was a senior who took classes part time at the community college I attended. We worked together at the local Burger King and somehow became inseparable. He was everything I wanted a boyfriend to be (or so I thought). As the days went on I realized Community college wasn't really my bag. We mutually agreed that I would go back to Wisconsin and attend the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. I did however come back to Wisconsin an engaged woman. Yes I was going to marry A.H even though I didn't know a damn thang about life or love yet. I just knew I had found the first boy who really liked me. And maybe...just maybe even loved me. We stayed together. Somehow. Until I met my first love, MM (You remember him fondly as Master Manipulator). That's when everything changed. I broke off my long-distance relationship for what stood in front of me. A strong, gorgeous, chocolate, sexy straight out of prison co-worker. (Yeah I see you shaking your head) Say what you want. He was breathtaking and he wanted little ole' college girl me. To him I was a sexy ass chocolate girl. Yeah I know it's all talk, but when you don't get praise. That shit meant everything.

That relationship was volatile at best. Constant lying, cheating, and of course manipulation on his part. I was dating a man thirteen years older than me. Even being the book smart college junior I was, my book smarts was no match for his street knowledge. I felt trapped. I felt like I had to stay because no one made me feel as special, but then again no one tore me down as much. I felt like I couldn't do any better. We went back and forth for almost five years till finally I realized I couldn't beat myself up anymore. I actually could find better. It wouldn't be the next day, but it would DEFINITELY happen. If I let M.M go.

So I enjoyed about a year of the single life. It was nice. Vacations. Time with friends. Discovering ones self. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Singleness is not my thing. I was left to my own devices and not to mention no regular cuddling and sex. Jeez that sucked, but I made it through with a lil' help here and there *wink* and found myself with a suitor...

Now at 26 the fairy tale of love should have been clean over, but the little girl in me never quite gave up the dream. Enter E.B (Estranged Boyfriend). Massive flirting. Lots of phone calls, one visit, and BAM!!! We were a live-in couple......well kinda. Our bodies were in the same location for the most parts. Well rarely. But our minds were somewhere else. I spent a large portion of time trying to get used to living with a man. He spent a large portion of time trying to get the hell out of the house. Anywhere that wasn't there. Was there love there? Hell yeah. But the differences were too strong. I take pride in saying I loved hard. Harder than I knew I was capable of. I loved him as is. He had issues with me as is. I gave all of me. But.....we all know we can't make people treat you the way you need. It faltered. Even though I gave my all. It wasn't enough. Do I feel bad? No. I did all I can do...It happens that way sometimes.I will never talk bad about him. That love for me was amazing it brightened my life. We just couldn't make that shine last. The famous two words are always....LESSON LEARNED.

 There were some guys in between these three, but these gentleman have yet to be rivaled in the effect they placed on my life. The emotion, the growth, the tears, the love, the anger. Not bad for the little, short, fat black girl with slightly askew hair. Who thought know one would like her...not because of the hair, but the whole short, black, fat thing. The men are still coming and the story still continues..... it's always the life of a fat girl


  1. wow, I guess this means whut I think it does.....I'm sorry 4 it all. Love, E.B.

  2. I really do understand where you're coming from. You're always pretty but never pretty enough to take seriously. I never get the man I really want and find myself settling for less all the time simply b/c I feel as if the guys I like reallly wouldnt be interested. When they did show interest they turned out to be the meanest nastiest men I know.

    However like you I have grown tremendously from my experience and at 23 I am still growing. I'm just happy to not be in the place I used to be (I was going down a destructive path). Fat girls need love too, and not just any ol' love, only the love we deserve.


  3. @LaLanzo I'm not sure what you think it means. I can only guess. From what I guess I get the idea you really don't get it. I Love you anyway. I have nothing but good things to say about you. I'm still hoping all the things you say to me you can make a reality. You're still my heart. Always will be.

  4. You are BEAUTIFUL, no matter what. You deserve the best!!!



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