Saturday, June 5, 2010

Behind the mask......

DISCLAIMER: I'm not really sure where this is going to lead me, but it's what my heart says needs to be done. I feel like I am so easy to figure out. I'm what I like to call simple complex. There are so many levels to the woman I am, but I'm not hard to understand. Or so I thought. I'm obviously very wrong. My thoughts are always construed. The opinions of me range from psycho, crazy, demanding, anal retentive, bossy, bitter bitch to cool, funny, silly, relate able, honest, smart, a great friend, an even better confider,  authoritative, level-headed and supportive. These are ALL true. Too a certain extent. Personally I thought I fell somewhere in the middle. I feel so misunderstood. So...allow me to reintroduce myself. Chocolate Girl Wonder. The Dark Chocolate Princess. Valecia. On a work day just, V.  This is who I am. Behind the Synthetic Freetress, The Milkyway 1B, and the MAC. Even behind the words on this page. Let's discuss the woman behind the mask.

MYTH #1 : You're a bitch!
I am hyper sensitive. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions in my pocket. A harsh word. A slight sharp look. A sour critique. And my day is virtually ruined. I try not to be that sensitive, but it's who I am. I am very good at hiding it. When I was little I was the brunt of a lot of jokes. I'll say between the ages of 4 and 7 I got picked on a lot. The funny thing was I was always picked on by 12 and 13 year olds. I quickly learned how to build up an exterior. First I learned how to fight. Warrior fight. To the point where I had fear of no one. Not a soul. Then I became quick-witted. I could shut down a person with my words without thinking. I began to make grown men cry with my words. Some of the things that came out of my mouth would even startle me. After that I was left alone. But I think the years of fighting, animosity, and resentfulness had just made me mean. But that all came from protecting myself. That's all I have is me. If I can't protect that I'm hopeless. I've seemed to have mastered the "I don't give a fuck" demeanor. The real story is I give a fuck too much!  If I had it my way the world would be my friend. We would all hold hands and drink Coke. I'm just not that lucky.I personally think it's a better look to be caught checking somebody than crying. I just don't want to be SEEN as weak. Even though I have just admitted enough to be seen as weak. *shrugs*

MYTH #2 You fake!!!
 If you mean fake as in hair and acrylics then hell yeah I am....and proud, but if you mean fake as in phony, not being honest about who I am then obviously you haven't read this blog for long. If I died knowing that I only had one redeeming quality it would be that I'm honest. I can't pretend to be someone else. I am who I am. I could attempt to make the story look better, but it is what the hell it is. I'm what people may sometimes call blunt. If you're looking for someone to tell you the truth I will. So why would I lie about myself for. Here's some honesty ready:
; I am typing this while drinking a bottle (yes bottle) of Moscato. I could very well be considered a functioning alcoholic.....
 I have never really seen me as pretty...ever! I saw myself as incredibly photogenic in the right light
 I just can't seem to lose any weight lately I think I'm gonna give the fuck up
; I dropped out as a college junior with a major in Journalism, I now serve pancakes for a living.
 I blog like I talk so proper grammar is not a priority.....
 anything else I need to expose about me??? Hmm??? Maybe this comes from people who look at my facebook pictures and then see my plump body and shiny ass face out and about who knows what the fuck it is, but I am far from like Nicki Minaj and Roger that shit!!

MYTH #3 You're a loner!!
Ummm yes and no! I'd rather surround myself with people I love. If you are someone that I consider a friend, but not a close one start acting funny. I will not even think about questioning your actions I will just cut you from the list. I rather have no one on my list than some attitudinal sometimey ass people in my life. I was born alone and will more than likely die alone. Why not get some "me" time in between?

 I know I haven't even delved into half of it, but I tried. Maybe someday I will be understood....maybe.


  1. I get all that you said. I have had similar experiences. I am okay with me and at times may have a chip on my shoulder. I try to treat everyone with respect. Not phony and don't deal with it either! Live and die by honesty and loyalty. I am always a work in progress!

  2. I really enjoyed this post.....
    I can only imagine how great it felt to write it.
    I can realte to the realness of it all....and as I am typing this I'm sipping on some sweet tea infused with Crown. It eases my mind....LMAO
    Seriously though...
    Don't give up on your wieght loss....and know that the beauty you see in the "right light" I can see from these words. True Tea.
    Have a great week.



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