The makings of....the footstool

I have a confession. I believe in revenge. Never quite acted on it, but I have spent quite a large portion of my days and nights fantasizing about the havoc I would reek upon those that have wronged me in life. Some people are okay with letting God handle their dirty work. I guess I'm included in that circle, but I do find it emotionally satisfying to see people get what they deserve. Fucked up? Perhaps. Selfish? Quite possibly. But all in all? Human. As complex as my thoughts are they're pretty simple. Revenge is necessary. It restores order. And we do all need order...right? Well to some extent. What I discovered recently is fate, destiny, karma, kismet or whatever clever term you'd like to use it real. Real. And much bigger than any revenge plot you could ever dream.


 Now I will never claim saintdom. I can be messy, emotional, bitchy, and just scandalous at times. I have my faults like the next person, but one thing I am is dedicated to my relationships. Not just romantic, but family, and friendships. If I take time to classify someone as an important piece of my life they are truly important. As sure as rain is wet those people will hold a special place in my heart, and though I'm not perfect I will always attempt to make them feel appreciated and loved. I've been known to drop the ball, but what I would never do is intentionally hurt someone I love. I'm a sensitive little brat. I'm just not built for that emotional chaos. Somehow my concrete exterior gets broken down and somewhere in there shows pillow soft me......and alas I get hurt. Not always, but in life it happens. When it does I'm generally distraught. Like broke up two days before homecoming and we're the king and queen distraught. Childish? Maybe. But my heart takes things seriously. No matter how old I am I always find myself asking God the same question, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why would he/she do this to me after how nice I was to them?"



 The better question would be, "Why not?" What real love and dedication, trust, and appreciation, sacrifice, and commitment can't be questioned, pushed to it's limits, or abused? You can't find out if the people you ride for will truly ride for you if all there is is sunshine. Sometimes the wrong people in your life simply drift out. Other times things need to happen, they need to be exposed. With that generally comes some hurt and pain. One of the biggest kicks in the teeth is watching someone that hurt you move on with their happy existence as if you two never shared laughs, secrets, or time. It becomes disheartening to know that people can rip the very heart and soul out of someone and then go on a picnic the same day without a thought. Everyone's mental mechanics are not the same, but whether or not they feel bad for their actions one way or another those actions will greet them again.

Romans 12:19

King James Version (KJV)

19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

I believe it all comes back. It might take days, weeks, months or even years, but it all most definitely comes back. Womanizing men have raised daughters that fell into the hands of womanizing young men. All those fathers could do was just give their young girls advice and shake their head as they watched the games they once played be recycled on their innocent daughters. That's God coming into play. It took awhile for me to realize the concept of handing it over to God. Maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done. There were times when I just wanted to knock the taste out of his mouth, or rip her eyelashes off..or some far worse ideas that I'll keep to myself for lack of the desire to be judged.

 In due time it all came my direction, better than I could've ever imagined. Not only did the people who hurt me reaped what they sowed, but eventually they had to come back and ask me, the person they treated like nothing for my help. I could've reminded them of all the tears and pain I endured. I could've refreshed their memory of all the times I was mistreated, but i chose another route. I chose to help them. On my terms of course, and that was just enough right there to be the perfect form of God given vengeance. That was enough for me. It was an unspoken kiddie tongue out, a silent I told you so, a mute "see that's what you get", and honestly it spoke so much louder than me saying anything. As I sip my drink and kick my feet up in comfort I'm reminded of exactly how this came about, what it took to get here, and where I'm sitting in this situation now,

Acts 2:34-35

King James Version (KJV)

34 For David is not ascended into the heavens: but he saith himself, The Lord said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand,
35 Until I make thy foes thy footstool.

...and the truth shall set you free

I consider myself  a conscious woman. Not one of sainthood, perfection or deity, but a conscious woman. I understand life, reason and the yin and yang of life. More so relationships. I've done some dumb shit. Most in the name of love, and even in it's sheer stupidity I stand by everything I've ever did with not an inkling of regret. I've learned over the years that somethings about life and love lack rationale. That somethings are just done based upon what your heart feels is best. When it comes to everyday business and money I move strictly off rationale and what makes the most sense. When love is involved I let my heart do all the work.... and it normally doesn't make any sense, but dammit...it feels...so right.


I'm full of questions. The person I'm dating has to learn to live with this line all the damn time, "Can I ask you a question?" Whatever the answer may be it still will be followed by another question. Why? Because I'm an open book and the man I potentially give my goodies and heart to needs to be the same. I wanna know everything about you from where did you get that scar on your arm to where your nickname came from to do you prefer Family Guy or American Dad. Why? Well the real question is why not?

As women we become so enthralled in the man in front of us, the sexiness he exudes, the love he professes, his touch, feel and general manly awesomeness that rarely we ever get to know this "Adonis" before he lays down in our beds. Some of us have wrapped our lips willingly around a penis or spread our legs eagle for a man whose middle or last name was completely unknown to us. Simply because it felt something like love. We've yelled from the hilltops he was our man yet was never invited into his home. Or didn't know the full story. Why? Because of desperation. We've all been there. He's so great that you just gotta jump on it, things are moving fast and you just go with the flow even though shit just doesn't make sense. Now fast forward you've fell in love with someone that's not quite up to par. Or you realized that he was a cheater, or liar, or couldn't keep a job, or even worse all three. Then who is really to blame?? Only ourselves for not finding out the truth.

Truth is generally easy to find. It's never hidden very well. It's always right in front of you and when you realize that it was it has less to do with it not being visible and more to do with you choosing to have selective vision. True you won't get all the answers right away. Hell they might even lie to get you. But any smart woman has intuition. In retrospect there's absolutely nothing about my ex's behavior that shocked me. Why? When a man tells you he's cheated numerous times before you can't be naive enough to assume you're lucky number slevin, or that you are so much more awesome than these past women that you won't meet the same fate. I pulled out every sexual trick I had and though he was satisfied wandering penis remains just that.

  My current beau has passed many a test with me he has maintained a sense of transparency with me that sometimes I can't match or rival. We each lay ourselves out on the table and allow the other to determine if our idiosyncrasies, faults, and secrets are enough to run each other away. And that is what has kept me there these past few months when I knew I was scared of jumping into something too fast. When someone gives you the honesty you've so desperately craved......it's something amazing. New. Refreshing. A slow dive into someone's real world and knowing that what's in front of you is truly the real them. Does that make him a keeper? *shrugs* who knows. I will climb that mountain when I get there.

So ask the questions that are rattling your mind. Fear of being nosy is much easier to deal with than the pain of being deceived or hurt. Everyone deserves the truth....and it shall set you free.

Put a ring on it????

I've been watching these things around me. Listening to the conversations taking place and just taking in my surroundings. One strange conversation that continues to pop up lately is marriage. As the "dirty 30" soon approaches I look at my list of relationships, romances and the like. I must admit I am a bit disheartened at the idea of being a non-married woman at this stage, but I know I have my reason for being one. It's not that I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough. I'm not ratchet. I don't have a house full of kids. I make my own, I'm honest, faithful, and loyal (almost to a fault) and I am a good woman. I love my man (if I'm with a man at the time), I'm supportive, and I expect the same things that I give. Yet and still my wedding finger remains empty. I have my own beliefs as to why I'm not married, but I got into a convo with a few ladies who are in my boat. There reasons are a tad bit different. Some responses were as petty as: I'm single because I have kids, or because I'm fat. Everyone else believed that they just haven't came across the right one. So the questions still remains.....

What's the road block for you???

I know me. I know what I want. I know what I'm looking for and most importantly what I deserve. I have a realistic view of what relationships are. The happily ever after view I had as a teenager and a young woman has been thrown out with my tennis skirt, my Hi-five, cassette, and sock bun. I used to believe that all it took to make a relationship work was love. Love was the answer to everything. The shyt is far more complicated than that. Men by nature are always looking for better. Even when they don't deserve it. Even when the woman in front of them that is willing to give her hand should be the one looking for better. Women spend that same time trying to make a man whose obviously not on the same page into a husband. Trying to pull a man that's running the other direction into a divine sacred ring of holy matrimony. So in the meantime we as women play the waiting game. Trying to figure out what's wrong with us...why we aren't the marrying kind. By the time we give up or have that magical a-ha moment we have wasted a good portion of our lives. More than likely living in a state that does not consider us a common law married couple. And that leaves us......where exactly.??

Women take this super personal. Men see marriage quite differently than we do. Some see it as damn near the end of their lives. Some see it as the biggest decision they could ever possibly make (which they do have a point). So they take it very seriously. Some just can't think of possibly giving up a world of women so that they could cuddle with the same one...even after she gets crow's feet and her breasts hang to her knees. Some are forever unready and unsure...even down to the seconds before their parched, shaky mouths open and say, "I do". Marriage is the one topic that men tread on very lightly while women jump into head first. Look at it this way. A man can be with the same woman for twenty plus years and after babies and  after the changing of office of four presidents still never give that woman his last name.

Case example: Rocker Gene Simmons', his girlfriend of 26 yrs. Shannon Tweed and their two adult children

A woman can marry a lifetime sentence carrying prison pen pal whom she doesn't even get to kiss at their prison house wedding. She will be just as content to carry #214529"s last name as if he was the king of France. Even when there is no hope in it.

Desperate times call for desperate measures when you're a woman with a wedding dream and a biological clock that's ticking.You start to get ahead of yourself and think..."OMG I might never have a husband and family wtf am I gonna do?" You rationalize the situation and feel as if you have to "make it happen". If you're like my friend Chrissy Lampkin here you will run to the hottest jeweler with a large chunk of your savings and get your boo a rock that is to die for. Invite all your friends and fam to the spot, drop to one knee, and with tears in your eyes ask him to make your five year plus union New York state official. And in return being that very official brother he is he will look you in the eye and say something like..."I'm withchu". Excuse my french but, what the fuck was that shyt? Once I step out on the proverbial love limb and offer my all in the form of a high carated piece of finger jewelry and an offer to be with you forever I need a much more solid response. Especially when my family and friends are watching. That's a new form of embarrassment. One I pray I will never have to endure.

Sometimes my desire to have kids gets the best of me and I feel it's time to pull a Chrissy, but I realize that I am not married for many reasons. The right ones. If I married today I nor my mate would be in the best financial position. We wouldn't be at our strongest place in our relationship, or honestly the timing would probably just be wrong. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the title of it all that we don't appreciate the relationship we have in front of us. Marriage is a beautiful thing if you have it with the right person, but if you don't......smh that can be hell. So I suggest ladies we not worry so much about why we aren't and enjoy the status we have. Acknowledge when you're ready, and be real with yourself when you know that you're not. In the meantime.....yes it takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work....but put your heart into making each other happy. Loving each other and appreciating your here and now is a lot less chaotic than trying to reach out to a finish line that is miles away. Divorce rates are so ridiculousy high now because people don't think about the future. People are so wrapped up in the here and now and the great feeling of love at that moment that they don't acknowledge that there will be a day when bills pile up, he/she will be getting on your last nerves, and he/she will be thirty pounds heavier. That's when you have to forget about all that extra and remember that person is still the same person you loved  that special day long ago.

I refuse to take the change of my last name lightly. So I guess in my case he has to do a whole lot damn more than like it to put a ring on it.........he has to be committed to this Chocolate Girl Wonder forever. Forever-ever. Forever-ever.

I Resolve????

DISCLAIMER: We all do it. We tell ourselves every year around this time that we're going to run. Become vegetarians. Stop smoking. Spend less money. Go to church every sunday and become the best person we can possibly be. I've done that every year for at least twenty of my living years. I have told myself every year since I knew what a New years' resolution was that I will lose weight. Ummmm in my defense...sometimes I do. I just don't keep it off. I lose 35 and then gain 50. *shrugs* It's all a very difficult process. I save a thousand in my savings. Then blow it all on some bull shit that when it's all said and done I can't even show you what I spent it on. Resolutions are things we tell ourselves we are going to do in the upcoming year. I'm done telling myself what I will do next. Let's just start slow. How about I just tell the fat girl in the mirror about some of the wacked out shit she did in 'da ten that won't be tolerated once the ball drops. 

Things that are NOT welcome in 2011

(aka leave dat shyt at the door on 12/31/2010 at 11:59 P.M)

 1. Stop losing yourself in relationships.
           Ain't nothing wrong with putting one hundred percent of yourself into your personal (friendships, romantic, and family) relationships, but when shit hits the fan (and it can AND will) you should not be standing  mascara running, teary eyed, with a pill bottle in one hand and an empty bacardi bottle in the other. There is a reason these relationships started. And a reason they end. Rather than feel bad for yourself acknowledge how great you are and feel bad for the OTHER person. They may meet a lot of people before they die, but they will never EVER meet another princess. Another perfection. Another Valecia. If you really must feel a sense of loss. Quickly mourn the loss of someone in your life that wasn't fit to be there. R.I.P to the square that didn't fit your circle. You are no longer allowed to destroy yourself over a person when their are so many people who have yet to partake of the joy of knowing you. 

2.  Stop feeling bad for saying NO. 
      You got that angry black girl facade down pat, but the fact of the matter is you let too much go to heart. If you've given all you can give and decide to tell someone NO say it and keep it moving. Don't say no and give a muthafucka an explanation. Or say no and feel bad about it. How many times has someone told you no? You think they nappy headed asses lost sleep about it? Hmm....all signs point to NO!!!

3.  Stop belittling yourself. 
      No. You don't call yourself ugly. (Because that would be a flat out crime and sin) you do however wake up with just enough time to shower, jump your still half-wet un-lotioned body into work clothes, wash face, brush teeth, and bounce. Just barely making it to work. Standing at the bus stop with your foot half in your shoe. No eyeliner, no mascara, no lip gloss. Wig still needing some adjusting (but we'll take care of that at work in the bathroom). Looking like plain Jane's......older sister. Or worse. Her mama. After work coming home and changing into a holey pair of sweats, with matching holey tank top and let's not forget every black woman's favorite possesion......the infamous silk night scarf. And before you know it, you're headed to bed. Only to start the perpetual cycle of hot mess-ness for a new day. No one is going to love someone who doesn't love themselves. Stop acting like Hot mess when it's quite obvious you are Hot-ness. 

4.   Stop being the victim.
      You know the motto. You don't have time to wait for things to happen to you...when you're making things happen. 
        

I could have added a lot of shit. And not meant it. Like stop drinking. Stop eating red meat. The harsh reality is. The things in this list might be a hell of a lot harder to do than that. Whatever happens the tears and negativity that wrapped so much of this past year is being dropped. Thrown to the side to never be picked up again. A new adventure awaits. Blessings........

Love and the unsatisfiable man aka you expect me to do what????

DISCLAIMER: This is going to get just a little personal. So if you know me personally try NOT to discuss this with me it's the feelings I am more than willing to share with the world that I just refuse to talk about one on one....weird?? I know. Deal with it. This is what I think and feel. There's a comment box for your opinion, but yet and still I'm Chocolate Girl Wonder and this is my proverbial soap box. I stand on it all alone. *smiles*

"Why don't you love me when I make me so damn easy to love"

                                                    -Beyonce Knowles-Carter

I've heard the stories about what it takes to keep a man. It requires being a good woman. I do a good job with that. I have my own job. Yes it's not a career, but it pays my bills. I am smart. I have my own place. I'm loving. Supportive. Pay my own bills. I can cook. I can clean. I have a relationship with my Creator. I have my own car. I'm fairly attractive. I have common sense. I'm not embarrassing in public. I try to be a great accent to my man's life. Not a nuisance. I know the role of the woman and I play it well. Oh.....and don't be fooled by the size 18 jeans. My sex game is vicious. Yeah you read that right ....VICIOUS!! Yet and still I find myself in the same love rat race as my friends who have not a clue. I get the idea that these men...... *gasp* want more. 


I have yet to figure out what the more is. I just came to the conclusion that a woman can be everything that she should be to her significant other and yet and still that simply isn't enough to keep him happy. Whether it be a roaming, hand, eye, and/or penis or just sheer restlessness when they get the girl that fits their mental list they don't know what to do with her, that is except make more requests. And women...we attempt to cater. Why??  We tend to bend over backwards to ensure a relationship rather than be single.  Or we oblige out of love. So we continue to try in vain, because the list NEVER seems to be fulfilled. But the real questions remain unasked. While you're jumping through hoops. Do these men really meet your requirements? I have found myself jumping through hoops for men who have proven themselves to be abusers, cheaters, manipulators, and all around losers. All for the name of love. All for the idea of finding the ONE. Never making any of them jump through hoops. Just expecting them to be the kind-hearted, smart, head-strong good man they seemed to be in the beginning while *sigh* alas getting no results. But I'm still scrambling eggs, while showering and somehow giving head all before I head out the door at seven in the morning. (Sorry for the unnecessary visual, but you get my point) All so I can still not be enough. 


Is this an excuse for men to not settle down, to not commit, to not marry, to not mature. Is this what we as females have to live with? Or is it simply what we deal with? When we expect more we will get more. Or better yet we should lengthen our list of requirements. Maybe we should be waking up to some scrambled eggs and head, and know that it's NOT a power thing, or a demand issue, or doing it out of fear of singledom, but out of true love and the desire to cater to each others needs. The equation is simple an Unsatisfied man = an unsatisfied woman. So we all know what a happy woman equals...... a very happy man. 

Excuse me while I spaz out: Keepin' it Real aka I keeps it 100

I blame this bogus term partly on the hip-hop community. If I hear someone say keep it real one more time my head might cave in. The fact of the matter is the people who scream about keeping it real lie more than a rug. Examples???

"This is the realest shit I ever wrote" -Young Jeezy

So what was the rest of your album?? Fluff? Bullshit? Garbage? A complete and utter lie? Or are you saying that it was real, just not as REAL as the aforementioned written rhyme? Hmm... I wasn't aware that their were degrees of realness. I was under the impression that it was either the truth..or a lie. Good thing I know how to think for myself. If we could get our kids to read a book instead of watching wack ass Terrance and lame ass Rocsi on 106th and Park everyday they would be able to differentiate the fantasy from reality. Let's help out a bit. 



Everything in a video ain't real

 Video vixens (we'll use the nice term) get paid to be in these videos. Some (and notice I use the term some) of these women are successful and quite intelligent in their own right. Do you really think they want the likes of...say FABOLOUS?





That's a negative Boo... the beautiful Ki-toy Johnson owns her own company..take that...
Artists make the majority of their money doing shows. Half of the shyt they rap about owning is something they got for FREE simply for being an entertainer. Either that or....they save their pennies (doubtful). They invest. Or they dumb asses are in debt. I typed three words on google. Rappers. Homes. and.. Foreclosure. I got back...... Dame Dash. DMX. Xzibit. Doug E. Fresh. Wyclef Jean. Just to name a few. It's all about perception people. They want you to see them as something they are not. So let's begin the process of heading back to the REAL version of keeping it real. Or let's use it's original term, Honesty.

People are willing to kill, steal, and ruin the lives of our people for an image. To impress people on this earth that aren't worth impressing. So let me be the first person to hit you with some honesty.


 I am a waitress for a living. My money is not long and I don't claim to be balling out of control. I can pay my bills on time and put gas in my tank. If I want some four hundred dollar weave, bad ass purse, or much needed vacation I'm turning to Well fargo online to help me save for it. Or I'm looking for a second job. Anybody wanna pop shyt about it, be my guest, but that's my 100. That's me.....keeping it real. Try it amongst yourselves.

OMG You listen to that B%$#@: Personal intuition vs. friendly advice

(noun) intuition
direct apprehension or cognition; immediate knowledge, as in perception or consciousness; -- distinguished from "mediate" knowledge, as in reasoning; as, the mind knows by intuition that black is not white, that a circle is not a square, that three is more than two, etc.; quick or ready in sight or apprehension
   (noun) advice
an opinion recommended or offered, as worthy to be followed; counsel


In the hills and valleys known as life I have had my share of rough spots. In hindsight I see that my biggest friend in every situation was myself. I'm not sure if this is a woman thing or just a "me" thing, but even with me being my best friend I almost ALWAYS sought out the advice and opinions of my friends. Whether the advice be phenomenal, good, non-existent or downright horrible I asked for it. I guess the real question is.....WHY??????

I guess I had to hear the "Girl if it was me" speech that so many of my girlfriends have given in the past. I think I was clamoring for an answer that might be better than the one floating in my own head. The problem with that is.....even if the answer they had just floored me away with it's "rightness" it was still no better than the answer I had created all on my own. WHY?????

Simply put. My own decision/answer/advice was created from a much more special place. It came from female intuition. It came from my heart. I can't speak for the rest of my female followers, but intuition has NEVER let me down. The only times I have ever been disappointed with the outcome is when I chose to second or third guess that intuition. Or worse even listen to the advice of one of my "friends". Not to mention how do you really know if the people offering advice truly has your best interest at heart? Or let's say they care about you and love you, but don't necessarily support your dreams? In those cases you will not get the right advice EVER!!!


 I hate to sound so cliche, but people have a tendency to look everywhere for the answers, but in the mirror. This life is similar to war. You are the leader of your militia. Why look to the advice of the people that are here to hold your the tent poles?