The Grown folks Chronicles: If you don't stop lying....

Disclaimer: "I can't stand a liar and a thief", is one of the many repeated statements I heard from my mother as a child. I guess with time not only did it become obvious to me that she had a really good point, but I too began to live that motto. I can't stand to hear someone lie. Especially about shhh that they have no real reason to lie about. You know what I mean. The kind of lies that as soon as they finish the statement you give them that side eye and twist your lips and say, "Really?" when you wanna say, "Bitch stop lying". If you have a bit of tact you control yourself and simply think it. On a rather gutter hood day you may even speak it. But either way the shhh is very, very unnecessary. It causes you to tense your face up. You usually look something like this sista on the right. Which leads me to one lie I am soooo tired of hearing........

"Ugh that's nasty I don't go down"

I better not hear this come out of the mouths of anyone over the age of twenty-five who considers themselves to be partaking of a healthy and normal sex life. I just can't stand to hear this mess so stop. You mean to tell me that something that has been going on before cars existed and phones rang you don't do? Something was okay for your Big Mama and Paw Paw to get down with, but you're too good for it??? Trust me fellatio and cunnilingus (look it up boo!) is ancient. Don't believe me??? 

Men learn a little something.....

See??? 

Ladies get off that damn high horse....

Not to mention with a world as hyper sexual as ours who feels the need to hide such things? If you rather not divuldge of your sexual antics and prowess that's one thing, but to front like you're too good to take one for the team and drop to your knees???....*rolls eyes* child please. The fact is what you do is just that. What you do. But some of you just aren't going about it right. 

Case #1

 A former co-worker (we will call him Dante) worked with me at the local Supercenter back in the day. He was tall, southern, dark chocolate, somewhat attractive (in a Young Buck kinda way), early to mid thirties, and cornrows (the cornrows for me is an immediate no-go) he made it very clear (as sex was the normal conversation at work amongst blue collar employees) that he didn't go down on women. It wasn't that he was picky about the women he tongued down. He just flat out refused to go there. He also lived in his married cousin's basement. Well like all new meat he got passed around "ho-mart" and the female consensus was all the same......"ehh.... you can have him" From what I gathered his D-game was mediocre to okay. And his request for females to drop to their knees was not taken kindly. "But if he would have licked it...I might have called him back", was the response I got from my female co-workers who dared to test drive him. And because he didn't he stayed his grown ass in another grown ass man's basement. I wonder did the sounds of his cousin getting it in with his wife regularly ruin his sleep. LMAO.

Case #2

I must be honest. At 21 I was a college junior, full-time employed, had a cute little Cavalier (smh yeah I know), and my own apartment. By all means I thought I was the ishhh. Somehow I became entangled in a relationship with man thirteen years my senior. He had a body like an Adonis, but enough kids for his own basketball team with two subs on the bench. He lived with his mama and watched 106th and Park like he was  on the JV football squad. For all logical reasons he was a loser and we weren't even close to being on the same level. But he gave me the tongue lashing of a lifetime and he couldn't get rid of my ass for years. And dammit I was more than willing to reciprocate. The sex to me was spectacular (then), but of course I was twenty-one and didn't know any better. Now I look back on it as mediocre sex. But spectacular head. Apparently it was so good it all just kinda mushed into one good event. 

See what I mean?? See how much head can make a difference?? 

 Enough about those that straight up do or don't and are honest about it. 

If you don't your sexual life will never be as fulfilling as it could be. Fight me on it if you want, but the truth is the damn truth. If you do then.....keep doing it. Just please be selective. 

 Now to those that do and lie. Ummm why? No one believes you. I mean no one. Not even your minister, a judge, hell yo mama and Jesus don't believe you. So just admit it. It's not about telling your business. It's about being honest. It's not necessary to say, "I suck better than Lethal Lipps". You could just keep your fucking mouth closed. No grown ass man/woman has to deny what they do behind closed doors. And as my gram used to tell me..

"If you gotta lie about it you ain't got no business doing it"