Friday, January 28, 2011

The deal breaker

Disclaimer: I like to ask questions about relationships. I'm big into being apart of a great, loving, dedicated, faithful, and honest relationship. So I ask a lot of questions. Of almost everyone around me. Even at the age of twenty nine it amazes me on how much opinions differ. One thing remains to be true. We all have needs. Needs that if aren't met will send us looking for "the one" who can meet them. So just recently I asked my friends of facebook, "What is considered a deal breaker in relationships for you?" Me personally. I don't like a man with long hair. Well at least not longer than mine. But what is the one thing (or many) that will make you say, "Oh hell nawww" and pretend to be sick on the first date?

First let's flashback to hmmmm 1997, maybe 1998. I was a very impressionable high school student whose life revolved around my friends, school, my job, and MTV. My favorite show being The Real World. Boston to be precise. There was a black girl named, Kameelah on there that had a list of what her perfect mate would be.

It was extremely long. She wanted the best. Made sense to me. So I discussed it during bible study and sunday school with my sisterfriends. As a group we decided to make our own lists. And our Sunday school teacher would keep them until our wedding day. Needless to list is still in her possession. Actually only one of us has received our list. *shrugs*  I however made two copies. As the years go by I review. I noticed the things that mattered to me at 17 didn't matter at 21. Or 25. Or 29. It makes me wonder. Am I just drifting out of my idealistic stage? Or am I just settling?

So back to my facebook responses. Everyone wanted someone with a job. Or at very least an education. And that makes complete sense. I will admit that my longest relationships were with men who didn't have the same hustle and drive in the job keeping department that I had. It made for issues. Serious issues.  Next was smokers. I have dated my fair share of smokers. I even momentarily became one. It is something that I don't like, but unfortunately I have learned to accept. My twenty-two year old nephew informed me that too much makeup and a woman equal to his weight or beyond is a turn-off. Some said lack of Common sense. Many women explained how a man not being able to accept their child(ren) was a no-go. I even heard things as simple as basic hygiene. And as complex as religious issues. "He doesn't have to be a church going man just open to a relationship with Jesus".

That's when I started to realize. What are deal breakers really? It's something we use to put a wall up between ourselves and another person. A reason to stop getting to know someone who for all logical reasons seems like a good person. Every person has a "flaw" something that is just a tad bit different about them. Let's just say that the men I dated chose NOT date me because I was a plus size girl. Or not date me because I was darker-skinned. Or not date me because I was a blue-collar girl. They would have all missed out on the ride and adventure that is falling in love with Valecia. I don't say that to toot my own horn, but honestly every man I have dated leaves that relationship a far better man because of my love. And just think me and these gentlemen would have missed out on a profound moment in BOTH of our lives had we stuck to the petty notion of whats's a hell no. I have dated them all. The man who wanted me to cook, clean, stay at home, and push out his babies. The man infatuated with my ass. The ex-con with seven kids. The broke southern gentleman. The jealous white boy. The Extra tall working bum. And The OCD Atheist.

 All of which had a "hell no huge deal breaker" sign on them from the gate. Most girls would have ran. But I didn't I stayed for the sake of the adventure. And perhaps my desire to find the one. And even though I'm not sure if I may have found him or not I do know that being so quick to say no just might leave you alone in life.

No one is going to fit everything on my list. Not even the 2011 revised version. The goal is not to focus on what things they don't fit. But decide how important are the things/characteristics that they do fit. When you think about it. Suddenly a sexy dread doesn't sound so bad.


  1. Deal breakers are more important then preferences I believe. Preferences are about what we want, and deal breakers are about what we don't want.

    The problem is when we let either of those become excuses to not meet a good person. There comes a point in your life when you have to accept that no person is perfect, that includes ourselves.

    While it goes to have standards, it is also good to look at a person for their good qualities. As long as the good outweighs the bad, then I say give them a chance.

    Great blog

  2. Our deal breakers limit us. You're not settling, your're coming in to your own realizing that things you wanted at 21 dont really matter down the line. Good Luck & Great Blog



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