Put a ring on it????

I've been watching these things around me. Listening to the conversations taking place and just taking in my surroundings. One strange conversation that continues to pop up lately is marriage. As the "dirty 30" soon approaches I look at my list of relationships, romances and the like. I must admit I am a bit disheartened at the idea of being a non-married woman at this stage, but I know I have my reason for being one. It's not that I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough. I'm not ratchet. I don't have a house full of kids. I make my own, I'm honest, faithful, and loyal (almost to a fault) and I am a good woman. I love my man (if I'm with a man at the time), I'm supportive, and I expect the same things that I give. Yet and still my wedding finger remains empty. I have my own beliefs as to why I'm not married, but I got into a convo with a few ladies who are in my boat. There reasons are a tad bit different. Some responses were as petty as: I'm single because I have kids, or because I'm fat. Everyone else believed that they just haven't came across the right one. So the questions still remains.....

What's the road block for you???

I know me. I know what I want. I know what I'm looking for and most importantly what I deserve. I have a realistic view of what relationships are. The happily ever after view I had as a teenager and a young woman has been thrown out with my tennis skirt, my Hi-five, cassette, and sock bun. I used to believe that all it took to make a relationship work was love. Love was the answer to everything. The shyt is far more complicated than that. Men by nature are always looking for better. Even when they don't deserve it. Even when the woman in front of them that is willing to give her hand should be the one looking for better. Women spend that same time trying to make a man whose obviously not on the same page into a husband. Trying to pull a man that's running the other direction into a divine sacred ring of holy matrimony. So in the meantime we as women play the waiting game. Trying to figure out what's wrong with us...why we aren't the marrying kind. By the time we give up or have that magical a-ha moment we have wasted a good portion of our lives. More than likely living in a state that does not consider us a common law married couple. And that leaves us......where exactly.??

Women take this super personal. Men see marriage quite differently than we do. Some see it as damn near the end of their lives. Some see it as the biggest decision they could ever possibly make (which they do have a point). So they take it very seriously. Some just can't think of possibly giving up a world of women so that they could cuddle with the same one...even after she gets crow's feet and her breasts hang to her knees. Some are forever unready and unsure...even down to the seconds before their parched, shaky mouths open and say, "I do". Marriage is the one topic that men tread on very lightly while women jump into head first. Look at it this way. A man can be with the same woman for twenty plus years and after babies and  after the changing of office of four presidents still never give that woman his last name.

Case example: Rocker Gene Simmons', his girlfriend of 26 yrs. Shannon Tweed and their two adult children

A woman can marry a lifetime sentence carrying prison pen pal whom she doesn't even get to kiss at their prison house wedding. She will be just as content to carry #214529"s last name as if he was the king of France. Even when there is no hope in it.

Desperate times call for desperate measures when you're a woman with a wedding dream and a biological clock that's ticking.You start to get ahead of yourself and think..."OMG I might never have a husband and family wtf am I gonna do?" You rationalize the situation and feel as if you have to "make it happen". If you're like my friend Chrissy Lampkin here you will run to the hottest jeweler with a large chunk of your savings and get your boo a rock that is to die for. Invite all your friends and fam to the spot, drop to one knee, and with tears in your eyes ask him to make your five year plus union New York state official. And in return being that very official brother he is he will look you in the eye and say something like..."I'm withchu". Excuse my french but, what the fuck was that shyt? Once I step out on the proverbial love limb and offer my all in the form of a high carated piece of finger jewelry and an offer to be with you forever I need a much more solid response. Especially when my family and friends are watching. That's a new form of embarrassment. One I pray I will never have to endure.

Sometimes my desire to have kids gets the best of me and I feel it's time to pull a Chrissy, but I realize that I am not married for many reasons. The right ones. If I married today I nor my mate would be in the best financial position. We wouldn't be at our strongest place in our relationship, or honestly the timing would probably just be wrong. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the title of it all that we don't appreciate the relationship we have in front of us. Marriage is a beautiful thing if you have it with the right person, but if you don't......smh that can be hell. So I suggest ladies we not worry so much about why we aren't and enjoy the status we have. Acknowledge when you're ready, and be real with yourself when you know that you're not. In the meantime.....yes it takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work....but put your heart into making each other happy. Loving each other and appreciating your here and now is a lot less chaotic than trying to reach out to a finish line that is miles away. Divorce rates are so ridiculousy high now because people don't think about the future. People are so wrapped up in the here and now and the great feeling of love at that moment that they don't acknowledge that there will be a day when bills pile up, he/she will be getting on your last nerves, and he/she will be thirty pounds heavier. That's when you have to forget about all that extra and remember that person is still the same person you loved  that special day long ago.

I refuse to take the change of my last name lightly. So I guess in my case he has to do a whole lot damn more than like it to put a ring on it.........he has to be committed to this Chocolate Girl Wonder forever. Forever-ever. Forever-ever.

The Demise of the Ride or Die Bitch

We all know her. She will rip a weave out the "other chicks" head about her man, bail him out with her gas bill money, hide the white from the feds for him, try to talk her Nana or Big Momma into putting the house up for his bail, she's there every Sunday morning for jail/prison visits, or she'll give him her tax refund to "pursue his dream" or even worse "to flip". We all know her. She is in it for the long haul. She can be a hood rat, a college educated sister, white or black. Hell she can be you or me. She's the main chick, the "one", the "wifey". The Big Tymers called her "a Hot Girl". I tend to love the Ruff Ryders term for her, "A Ride or Die Bitch". It was a song by The Lox feat. Eve. I remember it being my jam my freshman year of college. That is before I really paid attention. Here's a refresher...........

I look back on it now and all I like is Eve's makeup

ride or die chick	613 up, 77 down
	A chick that ain't afraid to be down with her man she'll do anything her man needs her to do.

 

Anywho. Flashback to Early 2000. At the time I was an eighteen year old college student. Over 600 miles away from home. For the first time in my life I became a hot commodity in my little Mississippi college town. Around me were scores of beautiful, smart young black women. And a very slim amount of attractive, smart, young black men. I believed a woman had to PROVE herself to be a keeper. At that time I saw nothing wrong with the Ride or Die Chick mentality. Not only was it ok. Unfortunately I became one. I wasn't just one for one man in my life, but many.

 I cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, bought his clothes, bought his weed, picked him up, dropped him off, paid OUR way, and fought bitches that "compromised" my position. Don't get it twisted, I wasn't ho'ing around. I was proving my dedication to a man I thought I loved. Later I see most of these situations weren't even about love. It was more so about my relationship validating me. If I kept him that meant I was worthy. If he left it proved what I believed....that I wasn't good enough. And even though in the back of my mind I felt like an idiot. I felt like the end justified the means. He would eventually be my husband. Needless to say,  I am not nor have I ever been married. So not only did I not get the ending I would have hoped for. I was left with a naked ring finger and a lot of heartache. Did I put two and two together and got four? Yes. But did I stop immediately? No. It wasn't something I could stop cold turkey. It seemed almost ingrained in me.

Mrs. T.I aka Tiny, being comforted by Monica as they leave TIP's last court hearing before heading back for 11 more months of prison time

But it did eat away at me. Giving one hundred per cent of myself became a full-time job. More than I could handle. Especially when I realized in most cases I hadn't received fifty per cent in return. At one point I felt like I was nothing. My sanity was holding on by a thread. In 2005 I felt my ex was slipping from my hands and there was nothing I could do about it. He demanded that I cut my hair. So the day before my grandmother's funeral I cut off all my hair. To pacify and keep a man not worth keeping. To be honest I hated my short hair. It was hot. But not me. The hair cut was an extension of him.. It just happened to be that I was wearing it. Due to the fact that he lived next door to my salon he kept tabs on when I got it done. As weird as this sounds he wasn't very controlling. At the time I did it willingly all in the mindset of keeping him.

Most women don't realize that they take on the ride or die mentality. We can't make these men seem like the bad guys. Yes they can be sometimes, or good guys that make bad choices, or just current bad choices to be with. We as women however make the choice to stay, support, and pacify these men in there behaviors. I slowly began to realize that this wasn't working for me. While doing everything and being the super heroine I realized I wasn't that man's princess. I wasn't being cuddled and showered with gifts. I had nothing to show for my hard work. So I left that relationship. Still not leaving the mentality.

How I killed my ride or die bitch

So in 2008 I started a new relationship. Taking away some of the things I did , but still keeping a lot of qualities. I accepted less than respectful behavior, got loud and grimey with a chick or two. Rather than see it for what it was. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a supportive girlfriend. Nothing. But this there to the end mentality is no longer for me. I have officially rejected it. I am in it until my common sense and heart tells me to stop. No longer can I be Ride or Die for people who have never been ride or die for me. I can only now just love as a heart and woman loves. And give up when it is time to so. Does that end my dedication? Loyalty? supportiveness? No. No. No. It just ends a hard core senseless dedication to it. I am happy to say I am no longer a ride or die chick. For some women this could end in marriage and a happily ever after. Good for them, but for me....I just can't do it. I'm just Valecia. A good woman. Who has a starting point and stopping point with my love. And I know the stopping point aint death. LOL.

Black girls....trapped in a box

SCENARIO:  Early Thursday morning. 8:30 am to be exact. I walked the streets of W. Wisconsin Ave. in Milwaukee. I felt pretty cute. Nice neutral eye. Cute black sweater. Fitted black dress pants. Brown heels and my signature brown bag cradled in the crook of my left arm. Starbuck's Tall Chai Latte secure in my right. I was headed to an interview. An interview that I felt I had in the bag. I was all smiles. I nodded a pleasant hello to various people walking my way. One young man in particular smiled my way and said, " Well good morning beautiful".  I looked up to find a short cropped, messy blond with a beautiful smile and teeth.  Was he cute? Gorgeous to be precise. Like David Beckham in a peacoat with a backpack. I smiled and thanked him. "My pleasure entirely sweetheart", he responded. We walked away slowly smiling. Well.....I'll be honest. I was Cheesing, but I did feel some kinda way. I combination of happy and weird. Weird because ummm he was white. And I don't mean that in the ewww he was white way, but the well that was different way. I had to stop and ask myself why is this weird to me? I see it everyday. My answer was: yes, just not really with black women.

R & B Artist Robin Thicke and wife Paula Patton

I have been guilty of being that woman. The one with the snide comments when I saw a black man with a white woman. (or woman of any race other than black). Somewhere down the line I stopped caring. I started seeing the situation for what it was. There is someone for everyone. Race shouldn't be the factor. However I wondered...what is stopping sistas from "venturing" out and seeing other men as love interests. I have always seen my life as one daydream or pleasant montage after another. I dreamed what my high school days would be like, what college would be like, how great my twenties would be. I have daydreamed everything down to my possible pregnancies. And I always viewed my wedding cake with two little brown faces on top of the cake. Why? I can't say. But that was always apart of the dream. I actually had a lot of crushes on white boys, but I always felt like my husband would use Dax and a wave brush. *Shrugs* Go figure. 

R & B Singer Heather Headley and husband former NY Jets player Brian Musso

As I get older I realize finding the right person has a lot less to do with color and far more to do with your heart. I rarely ever hear a black man say they won't date a white woman. Better yet I hear them give me a list of reasons why they would or why they feel like black women are now the obsolete option. I wont go into detail about that for a few reasons. 

• That ish is angering
• It's disrespectful
• And...it's neither here nor there, because we are not discussing exclusion we are talking about expanding options. 
• I'm not into making generalizations here.

Looking around I see a large portion of African-American men in prison, or have no act right, are married, with white women, are homosexual, or are in hiding where I just can't snatch them up. Because of this a lot of sistas seem to feel as if their pickings are slim. In some cases they are correct. So they choose to take sub-standard relationships in order to be with "the black man". I understand their train of thought, but sub-standard relationships never become what you want. They never flourish into the beautiful wedding and dreams you hoped. It just keeps dragging on into the land of sub-standard-dom. It's not my job to hold my brothers up. It's my job to live a happy, fulfilling, God- filled life with someone who loves me and understands me as much as I love and understand him.

South Park Co-Creator Matt Stone and his wife Angela

We seem to be so caught up in the specifics. Who cares if he's a chicken parmigiana guy and I'm a collard greens and cornbread girl. Those are all things that will work themselves out. The right guy will love me when the sink is filled with shedding remy weave anyway. In the year 2011 we are still trying to figure out one another when there isn't really much to learn. Everyone for the most part is the same. We all just have different life stories. 

Grey's Anatomy star Justin Chambers and wife, Keisha

So as of today I vow to keep my options open. I will be open to love from whatever tree it's leaves may fall from. Because the honest to God truth is on my wedding day it doesn't matter if the hand I'm holding is ivory and I'm staring into some piercing blue eyes, or he's a caramel brown brother with a beautiful dark brown pair. All that truly matters is the words, "I do". And the fact that he means them as much as I do. 

Say whaaaaa????: The Obese America Edition

You know the America is fat when.........


Case #1


 Couples are getting married at White Castle. I had a friend tell me about this a week or so ago. The saddest thing about this shit is when I googled it I got like 3 different other couples. Don't believe me?? View for yourself. I couldn't make this ishhh up if I tried.

Of all the ghetto buffoonery in the land I just can't believe dis ish. This is worse than the couple with the airbrushed Mr. and Mrs. Shirts....smh If yall don't sit yall hungry asses down. You better off getting married at big mama's house and enjoying a plate of collard greens, baked mac and cheese, and fried chicken afterwards. At least that gluttony would be situation appropriate. 


Case #2

I love girl scout cookies. To the point where I don't even buy them anymore because I get ridiculous with my love of thin mints. Not as ridiculous as this hoe though. 

According to The Naples Daily News of Naples, FL The Collier County Sheriff's Office says that the 31-year-old woke up her roommate early Sunday and accused her of eating her Thin Mints.

The Naples Daily News reports that the roommate said she gave the cookies to Howard's children when the children were awake - and hungry - at 1 a.m., and offered to pay her $10, according to police.

Howard and her roommate argued and deputies say that it turned physical - with Howard chasing her roommate with scissors and hitting her repeatedly with a board and then a sign.

Police say the roommate's husband tried to separate them.

Howard is charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. She was released Monday on $10,000 bail.

Really??? Over some muthafreakin' thin mints????? I'm so done....just done. 

Dear Tasia,

Dear Fantasia, 


      Every since you won Idol I have been on your team. I'll admit I didn't watch a damn ounce of it that season, but I watched the finale hoping the black girl with "the extra black features that danced in heels" would win. And lo and behold you did. I was sooo happy for you. You gave faith to all us not-so-cute quirky looking sisters all over the world. And that final winners' rendition of "When You Believe" left me crying the rest of the evening. You were more than the winner....you were kinda...I don't know...like me. Like the kinda girl I would call my friend . And that's why miss mama...we need to talk..SERIOUSLY!!!!


  From one pseudo friend to another pseudo friend, artist to fan, or sister girl to sister girl this bangin' other people's husbands' mess is NOT a good look. Hearing about this drama riled me up like bad weave bunched up at the nape. Don't be fooled mama men don't cheat because the woman they are with is not offering something they should. They cheat simply because they do and can. And if a woman such as yourself is willing to lower her standards and give up nana to a man why would he not take it?? Is the world on your case?? Hmm...maybe. Is it unfair? Hell no. Some people may argue and say this man is solely at fault because it was his marriage, but I say it's always the fault of "the other woman". If women weren't willing to be the extra person there wouldn't be anyone to cheat with and at the end of the day all his bogus ass could do is go home to his wife. Just like he is supposed to. There aren't certain kind of women that are worth cheating on and others that are not. If he loved her enough to marry her and he cheated on her please believe your ass is next. He will do it again.....not today, tomorrow, or even next year, but......eventually. 


This is a mistake, but not a catastrophe. This is nothing to end your life over. What takes more guts is walking away from the drama and living a life of higher standards. Better yet kill him lol. (just kidding). This is your moment to show the world what a real good woman would do. The world doesn't hate you. But there are plenty of women in the world (namely fans of you) who have been cheated on before and we are not feeling your pain. And don't ask us to. We still got love for you we're just not agreeance with your behaviors. We still love you Tasia. Remember......anything is possible when you believe.






     

Love and the unsatisfiable man aka you expect me to do what????

DISCLAIMER: This is going to get just a little personal. So if you know me personally try NOT to discuss this with me it's the feelings I am more than willing to share with the world that I just refuse to talk about one on one....weird?? I know. Deal with it. This is what I think and feel. There's a comment box for your opinion, but yet and still I'm Chocolate Girl Wonder and this is my proverbial soap box. I stand on it all alone. *smiles*

"Why don't you love me when I make me so damn easy to love"

                                                    -Beyonce Knowles-Carter

I've heard the stories about what it takes to keep a man. It requires being a good woman. I do a good job with that. I have my own job. Yes it's not a career, but it pays my bills. I am smart. I have my own place. I'm loving. Supportive. Pay my own bills. I can cook. I can clean. I have a relationship with my Creator. I have my own car. I'm fairly attractive. I have common sense. I'm not embarrassing in public. I try to be a great accent to my man's life. Not a nuisance. I know the role of the woman and I play it well. Oh.....and don't be fooled by the size 18 jeans. My sex game is vicious. Yeah you read that right ....VICIOUS!! Yet and still I find myself in the same love rat race as my friends who have not a clue. I get the idea that these men...... *gasp* want more. 


I have yet to figure out what the more is. I just came to the conclusion that a woman can be everything that she should be to her significant other and yet and still that simply isn't enough to keep him happy. Whether it be a roaming, hand, eye, and/or penis or just sheer restlessness when they get the girl that fits their mental list they don't know what to do with her, that is except make more requests. And women...we attempt to cater. Why??  We tend to bend over backwards to ensure a relationship rather than be single.  Or we oblige out of love. So we continue to try in vain, because the list NEVER seems to be fulfilled. But the real questions remain unasked. While you're jumping through hoops. Do these men really meet your requirements? I have found myself jumping through hoops for men who have proven themselves to be abusers, cheaters, manipulators, and all around losers. All for the name of love. All for the idea of finding the ONE. Never making any of them jump through hoops. Just expecting them to be the kind-hearted, smart, head-strong good man they seemed to be in the beginning while *sigh* alas getting no results. But I'm still scrambling eggs, while showering and somehow giving head all before I head out the door at seven in the morning. (Sorry for the unnecessary visual, but you get my point) All so I can still not be enough. 


Is this an excuse for men to not settle down, to not commit, to not marry, to not mature. Is this what we as females have to live with? Or is it simply what we deal with? When we expect more we will get more. Or better yet we should lengthen our list of requirements. Maybe we should be waking up to some scrambled eggs and head, and know that it's NOT a power thing, or a demand issue, or doing it out of fear of singledom, but out of true love and the desire to cater to each others needs. The equation is simple an Unsatisfied man = an unsatisfied woman. So we all know what a happy woman equals...... a very happy man. 

Dear Future Husband,

Dear Future Husband, 


      You don't know it yet, but you will be going on the most amazing ride of your life. With the perfect companion in me as your wife. I am a handful. I have ridiculous fits of anger and tremendous amounts of love. They can both be given simultaneously. You may think that's impossible, but wait and see. I can be messy, argumentative, with a mouth like a sailor and a liver like one too. I like Sex and The City, pink anything, and taking pictures. I get distracted easy and I tell the same stories often. I have an unhealthy addiction to weave, I have a wig collection, and I'm a college dropout. I'm a hard worker. My uppity Leo ways means I will demand that you treat me like a Queen, but I will ALWAYS treat you like a King in return. I procrastinate. I'm fun to be around. I'll make you laugh. But I will push your buttons in a way you never had done before. I could very well make you want to punch me and kiss me passionately all at the same time. I love makeup. I'm 45% tom boy. 55% girly girl. I can be a downright bitch. Not simply for the sake of being one, but when provoked. I will stand by you when the world and logic tells me to walk away. I am over analytical. I drive like a bat outta hell. I'm kinda hairy and slow on the upkeep. I'm honest. I'm emotional. I want to celebrate Valentine's Day, our birthday's and our anniversaries. They mean EVERYTHING, So please don't overlook them. I'm not clingy, but I require a certain amount of attention. I like Tiffany jewelry, but if you give me a candy bracelet I'd cherish it just the same. I need regular compliments. Even when I wake up looking a mess. I'll be your most passionate kiss, your best sex, and your strongest ally if you promise to never let another in the middle of what we have. I will be your loudest cheerleader, but I can be your biggest critic. I have a jealous streak a mile long, but if you give me no reason to question you. I give you know reason to expose it. Never stop being proud to call me your woman. I in return will never stop being proud to call you my man. I can cook. I just won't do it daily. Depending on which day it is I MIGHT want babies. There will be days when my emotions get the best of me. When I clam up, just hug and kiss me. That will make it all better. I get irate at the idea of liars. I'll resent you if you are one. I will be everything you ever wanted, and a few things you didn't. I'll always speak from the heart even if the words might sting. I am sappy and a romantic. Yet and still I can be a ticking time bomb. All of this......simply in the name of love. Whether its a court house or a filled cathedral be prepared. Not for a second, minute, hour, or day. Be prepared for this breathless, intense, and chaotic love......for a lifetime. Loving you....whoever you are and wherever you may be. 


                                                                                                                   Love Always, 


                                                                                                                       Valecia 

I got 99 Problems...: A Look at the sanctity of love and relationships

Disclaimer: I am NOT a relationship expert by any means. My own current "situation" is sooooo "effed up" I would be the last person to point out another person's "room to improve". What I do know is love, how it feels, and what I expect. And Honestly that's all I can discuss.

Who knows... maybe you've been under a rock and didn't know that "Mama Creole" aka Tina Knowles aka Beyonce mama has filed for divorce from husband of 29 years Mr. Matthew Knowles in late November. Matthew is currently fighting a paternity suit from a Miss Alexsandra Wright who claims to be the mother of his latest project, a child. There have been rumors milling around about Mr. Knowles for years. From him attempting to ruin the careers of others (i.e LaTavia and LeToya), a possible yayo addiction and a giving penis (i.e he likes to GIVE it to Everybody). Well from the looks of it it has all finally caught up with him. I'm not posting it to begin my celeb-parents gossip dish, but to say this. Is there respect or sanctity in love and marriage anymore?

It seems that men and women are not content coming home to the same person each day, and making love to the same person each night. People have taken on this "variety is the spice of life" mentality. Most of the time they forget to let their partners in on this new-age train of thought. Maybe I'm just a good-girl gone bad. Raised in a Wisconsin church with what appeared to be good, stable, old school marriages around me. People who stuck it out over many a rough spot, but made it out of the turmoil together just as smooth as silk. Maybe I saw too much of that and expect the same in my life. Maybe I want too much. Or is it that people currently don't want enough from their relationships?


I refuse to go into details about how much this man has screwed up

I decided to send out a random text/facebook/twitter question today: Is there ever a time cheating is acceptable? The answers were pretty much what I expected. The ladies ranged from it's okay if it's a vengeful payback cheat, no, no and hell no! The gentlemen (and I use that term loosely for some) had more to say. I got a flat out no, a yes if she's not giving me oral and a.........

Yes. If it's a payback. Or the other person is a 10. Or if you've cheated w/ this person before. Or if you're out of state. Or if you're drunk. Or if you don't remember.--my manwhore bud, David

So in a nutshell men have a tendency to believe that their are legitimate reasons to cheat. So where does that leave a relationship? If you can't promise you body to one person, then why promise your heart? Why forge ahead into a long relationship or marriage that you aren't ready to be apart of?

explain to me how did a married man go from.......this

to this...without a slight thought of divorce until AFTER he was caught! smh


Hmmm Go figure! Does the world find sanctity in love anymore? Why couldn't Mr. Knowles say, "I have been with this woman for over twenty-nine years, I have 2 daughters one that I have famously pimped all over the damn planet (oops forgive me lol) and she deserves more respect than this". People forget that the main attribute of love is respect if you can't respect a person, and their wishes, you both should leave before it gets messy. Love is a very touchy emotion. When it's good it's GOOD and when it's bad please believe it's BAD. Hurt feeling lead to bruised bodies...in some cases. So think about it. Exactly who and what do you hold dear to you? And be woman or man enough to let everything else........go.