The makings of....the footstool

I have a confession. I believe in revenge. Never quite acted on it, but I have spent quite a large portion of my days and nights fantasizing about the havoc I would reek upon those that have wronged me in life. Some people are okay with letting God handle their dirty work. I guess I'm included in that circle, but I do find it emotionally satisfying to see people get what they deserve. Fucked up? Perhaps. Selfish? Quite possibly. But all in all? Human. As complex as my thoughts are they're pretty simple. Revenge is necessary. It restores order. And we do all need order...right? Well to some extent. What I discovered recently is fate, destiny, karma, kismet or whatever clever term you'd like to use it real. Real. And much bigger than any revenge plot you could ever dream.


 Now I will never claim saintdom. I can be messy, emotional, bitchy, and just scandalous at times. I have my faults like the next person, but one thing I am is dedicated to my relationships. Not just romantic, but family, and friendships. If I take time to classify someone as an important piece of my life they are truly important. As sure as rain is wet those people will hold a special place in my heart, and though I'm not perfect I will always attempt to make them feel appreciated and loved. I've been known to drop the ball, but what I would never do is intentionally hurt someone I love. I'm a sensitive little brat. I'm just not built for that emotional chaos. Somehow my concrete exterior gets broken down and somewhere in there shows pillow soft me......and alas I get hurt. Not always, but in life it happens. When it does I'm generally distraught. Like broke up two days before homecoming and we're the king and queen distraught. Childish? Maybe. But my heart takes things seriously. No matter how old I am I always find myself asking God the same question, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why would he/she do this to me after how nice I was to them?"



 The better question would be, "Why not?" What real love and dedication, trust, and appreciation, sacrifice, and commitment can't be questioned, pushed to it's limits, or abused? You can't find out if the people you ride for will truly ride for you if all there is is sunshine. Sometimes the wrong people in your life simply drift out. Other times things need to happen, they need to be exposed. With that generally comes some hurt and pain. One of the biggest kicks in the teeth is watching someone that hurt you move on with their happy existence as if you two never shared laughs, secrets, or time. It becomes disheartening to know that people can rip the very heart and soul out of someone and then go on a picnic the same day without a thought. Everyone's mental mechanics are not the same, but whether or not they feel bad for their actions one way or another those actions will greet them again.

Romans 12:19

King James Version (KJV)

19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

I believe it all comes back. It might take days, weeks, months or even years, but it all most definitely comes back. Womanizing men have raised daughters that fell into the hands of womanizing young men. All those fathers could do was just give their young girls advice and shake their head as they watched the games they once played be recycled on their innocent daughters. That's God coming into play. It took awhile for me to realize the concept of handing it over to God. Maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done. There were times when I just wanted to knock the taste out of his mouth, or rip her eyelashes off..or some far worse ideas that I'll keep to myself for lack of the desire to be judged.

 In due time it all came my direction, better than I could've ever imagined. Not only did the people who hurt me reaped what they sowed, but eventually they had to come back and ask me, the person they treated like nothing for my help. I could've reminded them of all the tears and pain I endured. I could've refreshed their memory of all the times I was mistreated, but i chose another route. I chose to help them. On my terms of course, and that was just enough right there to be the perfect form of God given vengeance. That was enough for me. It was an unspoken kiddie tongue out, a silent I told you so, a mute "see that's what you get", and honestly it spoke so much louder than me saying anything. As I sip my drink and kick my feet up in comfort I'm reminded of exactly how this came about, what it took to get here, and where I'm sitting in this situation now,

Acts 2:34-35

King James Version (KJV)

34 For David is not ascended into the heavens: but he saith himself, The Lord said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand,
35 Until I make thy foes thy footstool.

Put a ring on it????

I've been watching these things around me. Listening to the conversations taking place and just taking in my surroundings. One strange conversation that continues to pop up lately is marriage. As the "dirty 30" soon approaches I look at my list of relationships, romances and the like. I must admit I am a bit disheartened at the idea of being a non-married woman at this stage, but I know I have my reason for being one. It's not that I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough. I'm not ratchet. I don't have a house full of kids. I make my own, I'm honest, faithful, and loyal (almost to a fault) and I am a good woman. I love my man (if I'm with a man at the time), I'm supportive, and I expect the same things that I give. Yet and still my wedding finger remains empty. I have my own beliefs as to why I'm not married, but I got into a convo with a few ladies who are in my boat. There reasons are a tad bit different. Some responses were as petty as: I'm single because I have kids, or because I'm fat. Everyone else believed that they just haven't came across the right one. So the questions still remains.....

What's the road block for you???

I know me. I know what I want. I know what I'm looking for and most importantly what I deserve. I have a realistic view of what relationships are. The happily ever after view I had as a teenager and a young woman has been thrown out with my tennis skirt, my Hi-five, cassette, and sock bun. I used to believe that all it took to make a relationship work was love. Love was the answer to everything. The shyt is far more complicated than that. Men by nature are always looking for better. Even when they don't deserve it. Even when the woman in front of them that is willing to give her hand should be the one looking for better. Women spend that same time trying to make a man whose obviously not on the same page into a husband. Trying to pull a man that's running the other direction into a divine sacred ring of holy matrimony. So in the meantime we as women play the waiting game. Trying to figure out what's wrong with us...why we aren't the marrying kind. By the time we give up or have that magical a-ha moment we have wasted a good portion of our lives. More than likely living in a state that does not consider us a common law married couple. And that leaves us......where exactly.??

Women take this super personal. Men see marriage quite differently than we do. Some see it as damn near the end of their lives. Some see it as the biggest decision they could ever possibly make (which they do have a point). So they take it very seriously. Some just can't think of possibly giving up a world of women so that they could cuddle with the same one...even after she gets crow's feet and her breasts hang to her knees. Some are forever unready and unsure...even down to the seconds before their parched, shaky mouths open and say, "I do". Marriage is the one topic that men tread on very lightly while women jump into head first. Look at it this way. A man can be with the same woman for twenty plus years and after babies and  after the changing of office of four presidents still never give that woman his last name.

Case example: Rocker Gene Simmons', his girlfriend of 26 yrs. Shannon Tweed and their two adult children

A woman can marry a lifetime sentence carrying prison pen pal whom she doesn't even get to kiss at their prison house wedding. She will be just as content to carry #214529"s last name as if he was the king of France. Even when there is no hope in it.

Desperate times call for desperate measures when you're a woman with a wedding dream and a biological clock that's ticking.You start to get ahead of yourself and think..."OMG I might never have a husband and family wtf am I gonna do?" You rationalize the situation and feel as if you have to "make it happen". If you're like my friend Chrissy Lampkin here you will run to the hottest jeweler with a large chunk of your savings and get your boo a rock that is to die for. Invite all your friends and fam to the spot, drop to one knee, and with tears in your eyes ask him to make your five year plus union New York state official. And in return being that very official brother he is he will look you in the eye and say something like..."I'm withchu". Excuse my french but, what the fuck was that shyt? Once I step out on the proverbial love limb and offer my all in the form of a high carated piece of finger jewelry and an offer to be with you forever I need a much more solid response. Especially when my family and friends are watching. That's a new form of embarrassment. One I pray I will never have to endure.

Sometimes my desire to have kids gets the best of me and I feel it's time to pull a Chrissy, but I realize that I am not married for many reasons. The right ones. If I married today I nor my mate would be in the best financial position. We wouldn't be at our strongest place in our relationship, or honestly the timing would probably just be wrong. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the title of it all that we don't appreciate the relationship we have in front of us. Marriage is a beautiful thing if you have it with the right person, but if you don't......smh that can be hell. So I suggest ladies we not worry so much about why we aren't and enjoy the status we have. Acknowledge when you're ready, and be real with yourself when you know that you're not. In the meantime.....yes it takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work....but put your heart into making each other happy. Loving each other and appreciating your here and now is a lot less chaotic than trying to reach out to a finish line that is miles away. Divorce rates are so ridiculousy high now because people don't think about the future. People are so wrapped up in the here and now and the great feeling of love at that moment that they don't acknowledge that there will be a day when bills pile up, he/she will be getting on your last nerves, and he/she will be thirty pounds heavier. That's when you have to forget about all that extra and remember that person is still the same person you loved  that special day long ago.

I refuse to take the change of my last name lightly. So I guess in my case he has to do a whole lot damn more than like it to put a ring on it.........he has to be committed to this Chocolate Girl Wonder forever. Forever-ever. Forever-ever.

Family Matters.

I am not family-oriented. It's sad, but it's an honest statement. I don't have an unwavering bond with my family. Not like some. I mean we aren't strangers either, but I see the family bond quite differently from most. "Family is simply friends God picked for you", is what I would normally say. And honestly I truly believe it. The closest bond I have is with my mother. A relationship that with time has become strained and stretched to it's maximum. We are both stubborn, and headstrong and though we both love each other we can not and will not ever see eye to eye. It is what it is. I don't even know if I want to change it. I'm happy living this life semi-secluded. The older I get the bigger the wedge is in our relationship. My mother has changed. Drastically and not for the better. Don't get it twisted. She doesn't have a chemical dependency or anything. I just really, really dislike the person she has become. And rather than boost her show's ratings by sticking around and watching. I rather turn the TV off and let that shit get canceled. Soooo..... does that make ME a bad person?