The makings of....the footstool

I have a confession. I believe in revenge. Never quite acted on it, but I have spent quite a large portion of my days and nights fantasizing about the havoc I would reek upon those that have wronged me in life. Some people are okay with letting God handle their dirty work. I guess I'm included in that circle, but I do find it emotionally satisfying to see people get what they deserve. Fucked up? Perhaps. Selfish? Quite possibly. But all in all? Human. As complex as my thoughts are they're pretty simple. Revenge is necessary. It restores order. And we do all need order...right? Well to some extent. What I discovered recently is fate, destiny, karma, kismet or whatever clever term you'd like to use it real. Real. And much bigger than any revenge plot you could ever dream.


 Now I will never claim saintdom. I can be messy, emotional, bitchy, and just scandalous at times. I have my faults like the next person, but one thing I am is dedicated to my relationships. Not just romantic, but family, and friendships. If I take time to classify someone as an important piece of my life they are truly important. As sure as rain is wet those people will hold a special place in my heart, and though I'm not perfect I will always attempt to make them feel appreciated and loved. I've been known to drop the ball, but what I would never do is intentionally hurt someone I love. I'm a sensitive little brat. I'm just not built for that emotional chaos. Somehow my concrete exterior gets broken down and somewhere in there shows pillow soft me......and alas I get hurt. Not always, but in life it happens. When it does I'm generally distraught. Like broke up two days before homecoming and we're the king and queen distraught. Childish? Maybe. But my heart takes things seriously. No matter how old I am I always find myself asking God the same question, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why would he/she do this to me after how nice I was to them?"



 The better question would be, "Why not?" What real love and dedication, trust, and appreciation, sacrifice, and commitment can't be questioned, pushed to it's limits, or abused? You can't find out if the people you ride for will truly ride for you if all there is is sunshine. Sometimes the wrong people in your life simply drift out. Other times things need to happen, they need to be exposed. With that generally comes some hurt and pain. One of the biggest kicks in the teeth is watching someone that hurt you move on with their happy existence as if you two never shared laughs, secrets, or time. It becomes disheartening to know that people can rip the very heart and soul out of someone and then go on a picnic the same day without a thought. Everyone's mental mechanics are not the same, but whether or not they feel bad for their actions one way or another those actions will greet them again.

Romans 12:19

King James Version (KJV)

19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

I believe it all comes back. It might take days, weeks, months or even years, but it all most definitely comes back. Womanizing men have raised daughters that fell into the hands of womanizing young men. All those fathers could do was just give their young girls advice and shake their head as they watched the games they once played be recycled on their innocent daughters. That's God coming into play. It took awhile for me to realize the concept of handing it over to God. Maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done. There were times when I just wanted to knock the taste out of his mouth, or rip her eyelashes off..or some far worse ideas that I'll keep to myself for lack of the desire to be judged.

 In due time it all came my direction, better than I could've ever imagined. Not only did the people who hurt me reaped what they sowed, but eventually they had to come back and ask me, the person they treated like nothing for my help. I could've reminded them of all the tears and pain I endured. I could've refreshed their memory of all the times I was mistreated, but i chose another route. I chose to help them. On my terms of course, and that was just enough right there to be the perfect form of God given vengeance. That was enough for me. It was an unspoken kiddie tongue out, a silent I told you so, a mute "see that's what you get", and honestly it spoke so much louder than me saying anything. As I sip my drink and kick my feet up in comfort I'm reminded of exactly how this came about, what it took to get here, and where I'm sitting in this situation now,

Acts 2:34-35

King James Version (KJV)

34 For David is not ascended into the heavens: but he saith himself, The Lord said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand,
35 Until I make thy foes thy footstool.

Losing.....to Win?

Nothing lasts forever. You can't make someone love you. And being a good person is just not what everyone is doing.

 I have used Chocolate Girl Wonder many times to sing the praises of my relationship and cry the tears of the frustrating moments in it. Now that thus said relationship has been over for a little over six months I will use this entry to express what I've learned from my five year union, and most importantly what I have learned in these six months without (what I thought) was the love of my life.

 I'm a fairytale girl. I believe in forever. The flowers, the courting, the proclamation  of undying love, the down on one knee with the family watching, the stand by your man kinda girl. Forever in my head....meant forever. Even when the person didn't deserve forever. Didn't even deserve a now. So like all naive, good, overachieving women I chose not to give up. Unfortunately after accepting years of lying, cheating, and mistreatment the tables turned....and surprisingly....HE chose to give up. Talk about a broken heart!!!!! What a knife stab!!! Walked right out of my arms and into someone elses'. And this is what we call turning the rusty knife. That day, April 13th, 2013 I walked into my apartment after a crappy day of work to find the house rearranged and his things missing. As if the past 5 years were just a figment of my over productive imagination. His closet empty.....void of his possessions...leaving nothing but a keychain, the iron, and....the kick in the heart....a picture of me.

I could type for hours and never truly describe the emptiness I felt that day. I felt hollow as if the wind had been punched out of me and somehow I'd been stripped of my very soul. I was alone, single, and even though we'd ended it thousands of times, my conscious told me it was over...forever. Did I call, text, email and honestly damn near beg him back? Yep. My pride doesn't have a problem admitting that, because love will make you sit pride down, like a purse so you can simply fight it out for what you want. All that contact was pointless we were no longer an item and it was way past time I picked up the pieces of me. I felt a void in my soul. My apartment was so quiet I could hear my neighbors cell phone vibrate. The silence was disheartening. Truly the worst days of my life.

The realization in that was.... I got so caught up in an us that I forgot about me. I forgot what Valecia liked, loved, needed, and wanted. I forgot what I deserved. Was I the perfect girlfriend? Nope. But I did love without condition, wholeheartedly with every drop of me that was able to love. Truth being it wasn't enough for him...or better maybe it was too much. And maybe just maybe that love I was dishing out on him so recklessly....was practice for when the right man will cherish it. Does he still have a piece of my heart? Of course. I wish I had the super powers to turn my love off. It would be much easier on my heart, train of thought and ego if I could, but unfortunately for me I'm not built that way. He hasn't fully left my life of course. Like magnets we find ourselves pulled together in the most destructive ways, coming together like a molotov cocktail. Simply to remind ourselves what we loved about each other....and what we hated.

Everyday I'm reminded by Fantasia's lyrics, "sometimes you gotta lose, to win again"