The makings of....the footstool

I have a confession. I believe in revenge. Never quite acted on it, but I have spent quite a large portion of my days and nights fantasizing about the havoc I would reek upon those that have wronged me in life. Some people are okay with letting God handle their dirty work. I guess I'm included in that circle, but I do find it emotionally satisfying to see people get what they deserve. Fucked up? Perhaps. Selfish? Quite possibly. But all in all? Human. As complex as my thoughts are they're pretty simple. Revenge is necessary. It restores order. And we do all need order...right? Well to some extent. What I discovered recently is fate, destiny, karma, kismet or whatever clever term you'd like to use it real. Real. And much bigger than any revenge plot you could ever dream.


 Now I will never claim saintdom. I can be messy, emotional, bitchy, and just scandalous at times. I have my faults like the next person, but one thing I am is dedicated to my relationships. Not just romantic, but family, and friendships. If I take time to classify someone as an important piece of my life they are truly important. As sure as rain is wet those people will hold a special place in my heart, and though I'm not perfect I will always attempt to make them feel appreciated and loved. I've been known to drop the ball, but what I would never do is intentionally hurt someone I love. I'm a sensitive little brat. I'm just not built for that emotional chaos. Somehow my concrete exterior gets broken down and somewhere in there shows pillow soft me......and alas I get hurt. Not always, but in life it happens. When it does I'm generally distraught. Like broke up two days before homecoming and we're the king and queen distraught. Childish? Maybe. But my heart takes things seriously. No matter how old I am I always find myself asking God the same question, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why would he/she do this to me after how nice I was to them?"



 The better question would be, "Why not?" What real love and dedication, trust, and appreciation, sacrifice, and commitment can't be questioned, pushed to it's limits, or abused? You can't find out if the people you ride for will truly ride for you if all there is is sunshine. Sometimes the wrong people in your life simply drift out. Other times things need to happen, they need to be exposed. With that generally comes some hurt and pain. One of the biggest kicks in the teeth is watching someone that hurt you move on with their happy existence as if you two never shared laughs, secrets, or time. It becomes disheartening to know that people can rip the very heart and soul out of someone and then go on a picnic the same day without a thought. Everyone's mental mechanics are not the same, but whether or not they feel bad for their actions one way or another those actions will greet them again.

Romans 12:19

King James Version (KJV)

19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

I believe it all comes back. It might take days, weeks, months or even years, but it all most definitely comes back. Womanizing men have raised daughters that fell into the hands of womanizing young men. All those fathers could do was just give their young girls advice and shake their head as they watched the games they once played be recycled on their innocent daughters. That's God coming into play. It took awhile for me to realize the concept of handing it over to God. Maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done. There were times when I just wanted to knock the taste out of his mouth, or rip her eyelashes off..or some far worse ideas that I'll keep to myself for lack of the desire to be judged.

 In due time it all came my direction, better than I could've ever imagined. Not only did the people who hurt me reaped what they sowed, but eventually they had to come back and ask me, the person they treated like nothing for my help. I could've reminded them of all the tears and pain I endured. I could've refreshed their memory of all the times I was mistreated, but i chose another route. I chose to help them. On my terms of course, and that was just enough right there to be the perfect form of God given vengeance. That was enough for me. It was an unspoken kiddie tongue out, a silent I told you so, a mute "see that's what you get", and honestly it spoke so much louder than me saying anything. As I sip my drink and kick my feet up in comfort I'm reminded of exactly how this came about, what it took to get here, and where I'm sitting in this situation now,

Acts 2:34-35

King James Version (KJV)

34 For David is not ascended into the heavens: but he saith himself, The Lord said unto my Lord, Sit thou on my right hand,
35 Until I make thy foes thy footstool.

Losing.....to Win?

Nothing lasts forever. You can't make someone love you. And being a good person is just not what everyone is doing.

 I have used Chocolate Girl Wonder many times to sing the praises of my relationship and cry the tears of the frustrating moments in it. Now that thus said relationship has been over for a little over six months I will use this entry to express what I've learned from my five year union, and most importantly what I have learned in these six months without (what I thought) was the love of my life.

 I'm a fairytale girl. I believe in forever. The flowers, the courting, the proclamation  of undying love, the down on one knee with the family watching, the stand by your man kinda girl. Forever in my head....meant forever. Even when the person didn't deserve forever. Didn't even deserve a now. So like all naive, good, overachieving women I chose not to give up. Unfortunately after accepting years of lying, cheating, and mistreatment the tables turned....and surprisingly....HE chose to give up. Talk about a broken heart!!!!! What a knife stab!!! Walked right out of my arms and into someone elses'. And this is what we call turning the rusty knife. That day, April 13th, 2013 I walked into my apartment after a crappy day of work to find the house rearranged and his things missing. As if the past 5 years were just a figment of my over productive imagination. His closet empty.....void of his possessions...leaving nothing but a keychain, the iron, and....the kick in the heart....a picture of me.

I could type for hours and never truly describe the emptiness I felt that day. I felt hollow as if the wind had been punched out of me and somehow I'd been stripped of my very soul. I was alone, single, and even though we'd ended it thousands of times, my conscious told me it was over...forever. Did I call, text, email and honestly damn near beg him back? Yep. My pride doesn't have a problem admitting that, because love will make you sit pride down, like a purse so you can simply fight it out for what you want. All that contact was pointless we were no longer an item and it was way past time I picked up the pieces of me. I felt a void in my soul. My apartment was so quiet I could hear my neighbors cell phone vibrate. The silence was disheartening. Truly the worst days of my life.

The realization in that was.... I got so caught up in an us that I forgot about me. I forgot what Valecia liked, loved, needed, and wanted. I forgot what I deserved. Was I the perfect girlfriend? Nope. But I did love without condition, wholeheartedly with every drop of me that was able to love. Truth being it wasn't enough for him...or better maybe it was too much. And maybe just maybe that love I was dishing out on him so recklessly....was practice for when the right man will cherish it. Does he still have a piece of my heart? Of course. I wish I had the super powers to turn my love off. It would be much easier on my heart, train of thought and ego if I could, but unfortunately for me I'm not built that way. He hasn't fully left my life of course. Like magnets we find ourselves pulled together in the most destructive ways, coming together like a molotov cocktail. Simply to remind ourselves what we loved about each other....and what we hated.

Everyday I'm reminded by Fantasia's lyrics, "sometimes you gotta lose, to win again"

And you wonder why we call you bitch: Females and friendship

Scenario 1: I'm in the gym working out and sweating my ass off. It doesn't mean a thing to me that I'm the only black female in the gym. I've been a member for a few months now and I like it. I'm quite comfortable there. I make an effort to smile or nod at everyone coming in even at my hardest resistance in those last few hard minutes. I never asked to be the welcoming committee I just do it, because I'm in a good mood and feeling polite. So along walks in two young black girls. About my age, about my height, and about my build. Lace front wigs blazing, false eyelashes fluttering, and long ass acrylics waving back and forth. Let's not even talk about why you would be in a gym with a wig on. As always I wave. They look at me, look at each other, and Give me a funny ass "who does she think she is?" look as if how dare I have the audacity to smile at them. Well damn. 

This look describes how I felt perfectly!

I am almost thirty years old. Which means I have had a lot of time to deal with people. I learn something new about myself everyday, but I have people (for the most part) figured out. I am a people watcher. I generally size people up for months before I really, REALLY begin to let them in. I watch for lies, reactions, opinions. What they say about others, do they take the blame for their mistakes or is it always someone else's fault, are they hard working or are they petty. Do they show themselves respect, do they respect me, and do they hold up their end of the bargain. Are they one dimensional in their opinions and views or willing to look at a picture in it's entirety. This is not what I look at to determine a friend. It's merely what I look at to see if you're even worth being an associate. This doesn't apply with women. Me attempting to build a new friendship with a woman is a thing of the past. 

Women are the nurturers of the earth. Emotional creatures that are known to be the most loving sex. But women can be some of the meanest, most trifling, cattiest, backstabbing, and jealous individuals on the planet. 

See what I mean????

Scenario 2: In high school I was apart of a clique. Not the mean girls type, but a crew of kids that were all raised in the same neighborhoods, elementary, middle and high schools all our lives. We had all the same extracurricular activities, and attended the same church. I didn't need to go looking for friends. I didn't need them. I had something better. A family. There were only two females in this group of  fifteen to twenty. We bumped heads here and there like any other teenage girls did, but till this day she is still my heart. It was the "other girls". The other girls who wanted to date my "brothers". The girls that had crushes on them and saw me and my homegirl as a threat. Or girls who didn't understand why we chose to hang with the guys. So we became all kinds of names. Hoes. Sluts. Nasty bitches. Not because we actually were. We weren't, but because the words helped these chicks sleep better at night. It couldn't possibly be that he didn't like you because your breath smelled like hot garbage. Or he didn't like you because you had a super unlady like cussing issue. Or better yet he didn't even know you liked him. It was always because those two bitches must be fucking him. Really??? I think not. Had you maybe took a moment to befriend me or perhaps get to know me I would have thrown in a good word for you. Now all my "brothers" are either married or engaged to some great stand-up women. Women who accept and appreciate the friendships we share with them. 

Scenario 3: I remember being a fresh, happy Sunday school teaching twenty-one year old college junior. I was in love with a man thirteen years older than me. He had seven kids and five baby mamas. (LOL I know that was dumb on my part). I thought we were going to be together forever. So I made a point to get to know his children and family quite well. It was odd and more than I should have gotten into at that age, but I always made sure I showed the mothers of his children respect. Besides whether me and him made it together or not those chicks were gonna be around in some way shape or form forever. So I always said hello, smiled, asked how were they doing. All of them on a face to face level thought pretty highly of me....or so I thought. One day one of the chicks felt as if the conversation she was trying to have with my then boyfriend wasn't as important as the fact that he was currently on the phone with me. "You can get off the phone with that bitch and talk to me please?" Really? I'm a bitch. Hmmm. ok. I had a baby mama (different relationship) once tell my boyfriend that she thought she looked better than me. I dated a guy who refused to bring me around his son's mother because she was that crazy. She knew I existed. I could hear her on the phone one time saying, "When you gonna let me meet ya new girl so I can check this hoe". I snatched the phone and gave Ms. Indignant a piece of my mind. That night was our last date. I don't play that shit. Apparently these are the things that make them feel better about me riding there exes into oblivion every night. Especially when I'm nothing, but respectful to these women. 

You can say that I'm exaggerating, but women are vicious creatures. Men don't try to throw a drink on a guy at the bar if he has on the same shirt as him. Men rarely (make that never) fight over women. Men don't give a flying fuck about any of that. Shit like that is such a small part of life and they are more likely to look at the bigger picture. Unless we are discussing bitch made niggas. Then it's a totally different situation.  Women have an innate fear of people in better positions. I believe everyone is like this to a certain extent. Females however are more prone to showing this trait. Anytime they see someone doing good, or having something they want, that person (usually another woman) becomes the "ultimate threat". It is too much like right to say, " That's a nice car go head girl". Or "Look at you you've lost so much weight congrats" or ___________________ (fill in space with anything positive that you rarely hear women say to each other). It's a tad bit easier for hater blood to run through female veins. I don't know why. It just is. 

Oprah and Gayle--lesbian lovers or NOT these two have done something phenomenal.
Maintained a friendship throughout the years. 

The Flipside: I don't think it's impossible for two females to have an honest upstanding good hearted relationship. As long as the two people involved are honest, upstanding, good-hearted women. That is the only way it will work. It's impossible if only one person is. I feel like the friends I have are the ones I have. I don't desire at this age to make any new ones. Respect however is something I give to every woman I meet. I just find it so odd how it kills a woman to give that back in return. I know this isn't the complete way of life, but it's what I've been seeing the most lately. However there are always a few positive people who don't get their just credit. 

Scenario 1: While sweating and panting on the stairmaster an older black woman with a neat little afro stopped and smiled at me. She tapped me to signal she wanted to say something. I hit pause on my ipod long enough for her to say, "Baby I see you in hear all the time". "Keep it up you'll be where you want to be real soon". I smiled and thanked her for the encouragement. Oddly enough she walked up and said that right behind the lace front duo. Maybe there is hope after all. Maybe. But I'm not holding my breath. 

Mars and Venus: Is there a good excuse???

It seems lately like a lot of my blogs center around relationships. Or the lack there of. That's not all I am about, but it's the topic that always seems to rear it's ugly head into my life. I just find the relationships between men and women amazing. 


I don't lump myself into categories with other women. I'm special. Not better just cut from a different cloth. I was raised the youngest and only girl. I spent my young days climbing trees with the boys. Rolling to the football games with the guys. Hanging out with my God brothers. Even now when I date men. I find more enjoyment hanging out with my guy and his friends than I do the women they are dating. It's opened my eyes to so many different things. Yet and still the male mind never fails to confuse the hell out of me. 


I have a touch and go friendship with one of my exes. I have brought him up in this blog before. I refer to him as Master Manipulator. MM for short. Anyway this touch and go friendship is that way because he.....well he's him. He always wants another shot...that doesn't exist. It makes things weird. Who the hell wants a weird friendship? So I jet. Last night I called him to say hello. Give a little support for a family loss and basically just catch up. The convo was light until he blurted out the craziest thing. "I cheated on you because you were too good for me". Five seconds of silence. "And that was my way of telling you to move on without me I'm sorry". 
My response? I hit the little red end button on my phone and put it back on the charger. So I sat there on the end of my bed looking bewildered. For lack of better words. Who the fuck does that? 


Then of course. I called back and let him have it. I asked, "What kinda excuse was that?" Through mumbles and apologies he tried to explain hisself to no avail. 


We all have excuses for what we do. I have had friends use them all: I was drunk. He doesn't do what he used to. He cheated on me. I just wanted to try this other guy out. I have a few of my own, but excuses are just that, Excuses. Until he said the realest and most honest thing he's could have let part from his lips in the nine years we've known each other. 

"I mean seriously V what excuse is REALLY acceptable?. None"

So that leads me to ask you.......

Is there ever an instance where cheating is okay and acceptable? If so....when? 

Confessions of a bitter Bitch: Should fatties get a room??? My response to the Marie Claire article

Disclaimer: I am not all that fashion forward. I purchase magazines that represent women like me. Like me meaning: African-American, young, working-class, and plus-sized. In my humble opinion Marie Claire doesn't represent the woman I am....therefore I don't purchase it. I do however feel a need to respond to what I consider is an attack on my person and persons like myself. I am aware everyone has an opinion, but that seems pretty effed up and hurtful. So I have no choice, but to respond. 

First and foremost if you have no clue what I'm talking about please read this first. 

Marie Claire's Mike and Molly Article

First I'm not sure who irritates me more in this situation. CBS for making this show, Mike and Molly which isn't a look into the romance of an overweight couple, but merely a vaguely veiled excuse to make fun of plus-sized people. Or Ms. Maura Kelly who simply described the overweight population as lazy asses who have put forth absolutely no effort to change their lifestyles. Or should I be mad at Marie Claire for printing this BS for the world to see? Eff it. I'm mad at all three. So let me break it down into sections. 

CBS

It would be one thing if you chose to make this a romantic drama or something worth watching, but a couple that meets at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting??? ummm seriously?? Filled with fat jokes??? are you serious?? Maybe ideas like this is the reason why I stopped watching CBS in like......the late eighties. This is a complete fail on your part. 97.1 Million people in the United States Of America are overweight. I'm sure out of that large number of people you are poking fun at one is at the very least the son, daughter, mother or father of someone on that set. Hell we know there is at least two overweight characters on set already. The two who chose to take the leading roles *rolls eyes* and I can't possibly begin to imagine what they were thinking. Well CBS I'm disappointed with you, but then again I don't really expect that much from you anyway. I'm not quite sure why I even acknowledged you. This either won't make it to the lineup or will be off the air quicker than you can say Walker Texas Ranger.

Ms. Maura Kelly

I'm confused as to why I even found this on your blog. From the side excerpt explaining it this blog was made solely for you to catalog your search for love. It also read that you are in your thirties and have never been in love. Hmmm I wonder why??? What does berating people have to do with you finding someone?? My fat ass has never had to catalog my lack of love life and datelessness. Wanna know why??? Because that has never been the case for me. I've always been wanted. Even if it was the wrong damn guy. I never searched for love. It came to me because I am a good, uplifting, positive kind hearted person. I care about the feelings of others and respect people's differences. Whether I weighed 185 or 265. There is some young beautiful plus size teenager who read those words and you could have very well crippled her self-esteem. I think what really rubbed you the wrong way was seeing two fat people kissing and in love. While you watched the episode while picking at a salad with no dressing, doing tricep dips on a chair and squats during commercials......ALONE. I understand health is important, but open your eyes. Everyone is supposed to be different. No one has to meet your requirements. And if I must say so myself I may be fat, but I look a hell of a lot better than you. According to all the comments left for you on your blog I'm sure the hurtful things said to you stung, but not as much as what you wrote. Maybe before you turn forty you'll get it right until then....I'll just pray for you. 

Marie Claire

If you are looking for new and exciting ways to ruin your readership keep Maura Kelly around, but if you want to tap into the wide market of overweight women and our hard earned dollars you need a new approach. Shame on you for giving such a bigoted woman an outlet to spew her BS. 

*steps down off her soapbox* So readers tell me what you think of her. Do you agree with her? I do understand everyone has an opinion I am just really turned off by her use of words. 

Confessions of a Bitter Bitch: The Nail Salon edition

So like all good hood rich girls I have a fascination with acrylic nails. Not just tastefully done mild mannered white tip acrylics, but air brushed super designed acrylics.  Not super long can't wipe your own ass nails, but just enough to fill my void of fabulosity in my hum drum waitress lifestyle. I generally like to go enjoy my nail time after a long day of work, it's my relaxation time. This past Saturday??? Not so much....let me try to explain why.


1. First things first. I have been frequenting this shop since I was fourteen. I know every employee. The booth they ushered me to was that of a new worker, but hey....I'm not picky. Everyone deserves a chance. While removing my nails for a new full set lil' miss new bitch ripped off my pinkie nail and made me bleed. Yes, bleed! And continued to remove nails as if she didn't see the tiny red droplets on her work station. The hoe didn't even say sorry. So I gave her the death eye. Eventually she got her ass up and ushered me to another technician. She didn't have too many choices. It was either that or......get that ass beat. 


2. This big, burly bitch (pictured below) brought in a damn day care with her!! A plethora of loud ass kids that were crying or constantly running their bad asses through the shop or both. That shit got on my LAST damn nerves. If your group of Bebe's kids can't act right in public keep they asses at home.  I don't wanna hear that shit. You're bothering my relaxation time. This is why my uterus remains empty. SMH. 

3. Then Ms. BBB (Big Burly Bitch) complained about her nail design to EVERY fuckin' technician in the shop!! Including mine. They all circled around Ms. BBB so she could whine and fuckin' moan.... *rolls eyes* Are you serious?? That was fifteen minutes that could have been used finishing mine up *rolls eyes again* It wasn't so much that she was dissatisfied, but she was loud and tactless about it. I mean...DAYUM! Just shut up! The world doesn't have to know that the gold streak on your nail should "go all the way through". smh. 


4. After I got a new technician I was asked how long I would like my new full set. In the midst of answering the question Ms. "experienced nail tech" took it upon her fuckin' self to cut a nail before hearing the length. The result??? Nails that were too damn short. Grrrr. Why ask then??? I'm not gonna lie..that kinda made me want to slap her. Yep. Open handed. 


5. I ran into an old classmate in the shop. She was dressed in a yellow halter top, black booty shorts, and black gladiator heels. Upon making a few low-key phone calls and texts I found out she's now a stripper/prostitute. Hmm...ok that makes sense. Especially when you pair it with the fuzzy, curly, highlighted synthetic lace front.


Maybe I should find a new location...I mean I don't really have a choice and all with my pending move. But I have a strange feeling that the wonderful people of Chicago will irritate me just as much...if not more. I guess that's what you should expect when you're.....bitter. 

Confessions of a bitter bitch.....Pt. 1 My Almost Demise

I've been hurt, cheated on, and lied to. Many times. Yet I continued to believe the power of love would prevail over all. I believed the promises of change, the belief that things would get better, the idea that every thing was something that could be fixed.

So I forged ahead in this murky water of a relationship. Until I couldn't even see where I was going anymore. And worse off.....I couldn't even see my hand in front of my own damn face. I was so stuck on forging ahead I couldn't see myself. I lost the most important person...me. And when I lost her..me, my main bitch...all hell broke loose. My ability to be logical and rational flew out the door. I began to blame everyone else for his infidelities...even myself. The other woman became the enemy even though she was just as clueless as I was. I wanted to go to war. I wanted destruction and blood on the pavement. I wanted heads to roll and people to feel as bad , hopeless, useless, destroyed, and torn down as I felt. I wanted someone to feel the emptiness I felt in my heart. That nulling pain that I filled with alcohol all day. I needed someone to feel that lump in my throat that caused me to eat one meal every other day. I needed someone else to lose sleep and cry. I needed someone else...anyone else to pay. To pay for my heartache. I became elusive, distant, cold and callous. I closed my eyes and envisioned my lover meeting his demise at my very own hands. I had planned at very least giving him the ass whooping of a lifetime. Hospitalization included of course. Breathing tubes and all. And while setting up in my head this crazy plan, sitting silently, methodically on my bed. Letting my thoughts brew and fester that would lead me to becoming the next new SNAPPED episode.... I STOPPED.

Only then had I realized what this situation had done to me My bitterness was seconds away from eating me alive. The tears began to fall and I couldn't catch my breath. I felt trapped. In a relationship that would never be right, in a relationship that was killing my very existence and spirit. I picked up the phone and called my best friend. "I'm not strong enough to leave", I cried. "I need help". And together in and hour and a half we devised my getaway plan. A plan that requires me leaving my home, my city, my state. Which all may seem drastic, but the plan also included, the most important elements: Regaining my life. Nurturing my soul. Rediscovering Valecia. Picking up the pieces. And making me whole again. So now I prepare myself for a new home and for the healing to begin. This will not be easy. But my God it is so necessary. Am I still hurt??? yes. Angry?? Damn right!  Bitter? Most definitely. Time to heal..... I'm so ready for the process to begin.  I no longer want to be...bitter.