The Demise of the Ride or Die Bitch

We all know her. She will rip a weave out the "other chicks" head about her man, bail him out with her gas bill money, hide the white from the feds for him, try to talk her Nana or Big Momma into putting the house up for his bail, she's there every Sunday morning for jail/prison visits, or she'll give him her tax refund to "pursue his dream" or even worse "to flip". We all know her. She is in it for the long haul. She can be a hood rat, a college educated sister, white or black. Hell she can be you or me. She's the main chick, the "one", the "wifey". The Big Tymers called her "a Hot Girl". I tend to love the Ruff Ryders term for her, "A Ride or Die Bitch". It was a song by The Lox feat. Eve. I remember it being my jam my freshman year of college. That is before I really paid attention. Here's a refresher...........

I look back on it now and all I like is Eve's makeup

ride or die chick	613 up, 77 down
	A chick that ain't afraid to be down with her man she'll do anything her man needs her to do.

 

Anywho. Flashback to Early 2000. At the time I was an eighteen year old college student. Over 600 miles away from home. For the first time in my life I became a hot commodity in my little Mississippi college town. Around me were scores of beautiful, smart young black women. And a very slim amount of attractive, smart, young black men. I believed a woman had to PROVE herself to be a keeper. At that time I saw nothing wrong with the Ride or Die Chick mentality. Not only was it ok. Unfortunately I became one. I wasn't just one for one man in my life, but many.

 I cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, bought his clothes, bought his weed, picked him up, dropped him off, paid OUR way, and fought bitches that "compromised" my position. Don't get it twisted, I wasn't ho'ing around. I was proving my dedication to a man I thought I loved. Later I see most of these situations weren't even about love. It was more so about my relationship validating me. If I kept him that meant I was worthy. If he left it proved what I believed....that I wasn't good enough. And even though in the back of my mind I felt like an idiot. I felt like the end justified the means. He would eventually be my husband. Needless to say,  I am not nor have I ever been married. So not only did I not get the ending I would have hoped for. I was left with a naked ring finger and a lot of heartache. Did I put two and two together and got four? Yes. But did I stop immediately? No. It wasn't something I could stop cold turkey. It seemed almost ingrained in me.

Mrs. T.I aka Tiny, being comforted by Monica as they leave TIP's last court hearing before heading back for 11 more months of prison time

But it did eat away at me. Giving one hundred per cent of myself became a full-time job. More than I could handle. Especially when I realized in most cases I hadn't received fifty per cent in return. At one point I felt like I was nothing. My sanity was holding on by a thread. In 2005 I felt my ex was slipping from my hands and there was nothing I could do about it. He demanded that I cut my hair. So the day before my grandmother's funeral I cut off all my hair. To pacify and keep a man not worth keeping. To be honest I hated my short hair. It was hot. But not me. The hair cut was an extension of him.. It just happened to be that I was wearing it. Due to the fact that he lived next door to my salon he kept tabs on when I got it done. As weird as this sounds he wasn't very controlling. At the time I did it willingly all in the mindset of keeping him.

Most women don't realize that they take on the ride or die mentality. We can't make these men seem like the bad guys. Yes they can be sometimes, or good guys that make bad choices, or just current bad choices to be with. We as women however make the choice to stay, support, and pacify these men in there behaviors. I slowly began to realize that this wasn't working for me. While doing everything and being the super heroine I realized I wasn't that man's princess. I wasn't being cuddled and showered with gifts. I had nothing to show for my hard work. So I left that relationship. Still not leaving the mentality.

How I killed my ride or die bitch

So in 2008 I started a new relationship. Taking away some of the things I did , but still keeping a lot of qualities. I accepted less than respectful behavior, got loud and grimey with a chick or two. Rather than see it for what it was. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a supportive girlfriend. Nothing. But this there to the end mentality is no longer for me. I have officially rejected it. I am in it until my common sense and heart tells me to stop. No longer can I be Ride or Die for people who have never been ride or die for me. I can only now just love as a heart and woman loves. And give up when it is time to so. Does that end my dedication? Loyalty? supportiveness? No. No. No. It just ends a hard core senseless dedication to it. I am happy to say I am no longer a ride or die chick. For some women this could end in marriage and a happily ever after. Good for them, but for me....I just can't do it. I'm just Valecia. A good woman. Who has a starting point and stopping point with my love. And I know the stopping point aint death. LOL.

Black girls....trapped in a box

SCENARIO:  Early Thursday morning. 8:30 am to be exact. I walked the streets of W. Wisconsin Ave. in Milwaukee. I felt pretty cute. Nice neutral eye. Cute black sweater. Fitted black dress pants. Brown heels and my signature brown bag cradled in the crook of my left arm. Starbuck's Tall Chai Latte secure in my right. I was headed to an interview. An interview that I felt I had in the bag. I was all smiles. I nodded a pleasant hello to various people walking my way. One young man in particular smiled my way and said, " Well good morning beautiful".  I looked up to find a short cropped, messy blond with a beautiful smile and teeth.  Was he cute? Gorgeous to be precise. Like David Beckham in a peacoat with a backpack. I smiled and thanked him. "My pleasure entirely sweetheart", he responded. We walked away slowly smiling. Well.....I'll be honest. I was Cheesing, but I did feel some kinda way. I combination of happy and weird. Weird because ummm he was white. And I don't mean that in the ewww he was white way, but the well that was different way. I had to stop and ask myself why is this weird to me? I see it everyday. My answer was: yes, just not really with black women.

R & B Artist Robin Thicke and wife Paula Patton

I have been guilty of being that woman. The one with the snide comments when I saw a black man with a white woman. (or woman of any race other than black). Somewhere down the line I stopped caring. I started seeing the situation for what it was. There is someone for everyone. Race shouldn't be the factor. However I wondered...what is stopping sistas from "venturing" out and seeing other men as love interests. I have always seen my life as one daydream or pleasant montage after another. I dreamed what my high school days would be like, what college would be like, how great my twenties would be. I have daydreamed everything down to my possible pregnancies. And I always viewed my wedding cake with two little brown faces on top of the cake. Why? I can't say. But that was always apart of the dream. I actually had a lot of crushes on white boys, but I always felt like my husband would use Dax and a wave brush. *Shrugs* Go figure. 

R & B Singer Heather Headley and husband former NY Jets player Brian Musso

As I get older I realize finding the right person has a lot less to do with color and far more to do with your heart. I rarely ever hear a black man say they won't date a white woman. Better yet I hear them give me a list of reasons why they would or why they feel like black women are now the obsolete option. I wont go into detail about that for a few reasons. 

• That ish is angering
• It's disrespectful
• And...it's neither here nor there, because we are not discussing exclusion we are talking about expanding options. 
• I'm not into making generalizations here.

Looking around I see a large portion of African-American men in prison, or have no act right, are married, with white women, are homosexual, or are in hiding where I just can't snatch them up. Because of this a lot of sistas seem to feel as if their pickings are slim. In some cases they are correct. So they choose to take sub-standard relationships in order to be with "the black man". I understand their train of thought, but sub-standard relationships never become what you want. They never flourish into the beautiful wedding and dreams you hoped. It just keeps dragging on into the land of sub-standard-dom. It's not my job to hold my brothers up. It's my job to live a happy, fulfilling, God- filled life with someone who loves me and understands me as much as I love and understand him.

South Park Co-Creator Matt Stone and his wife Angela

We seem to be so caught up in the specifics. Who cares if he's a chicken parmigiana guy and I'm a collard greens and cornbread girl. Those are all things that will work themselves out. The right guy will love me when the sink is filled with shedding remy weave anyway. In the year 2011 we are still trying to figure out one another when there isn't really much to learn. Everyone for the most part is the same. We all just have different life stories. 

Grey's Anatomy star Justin Chambers and wife, Keisha

So as of today I vow to keep my options open. I will be open to love from whatever tree it's leaves may fall from. Because the honest to God truth is on my wedding day it doesn't matter if the hand I'm holding is ivory and I'm staring into some piercing blue eyes, or he's a caramel brown brother with a beautiful dark brown pair. All that truly matters is the words, "I do". And the fact that he means them as much as I do. 

The Heart Of The Matter

I can't think of a song that describes where I am right now more than this


"The Heart Of The Matter"
[originally performed by Don Henley]

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore