The deal breaker

Disclaimer: I like to ask questions about relationships. I'm big into being apart of a great, loving, dedicated, faithful, and honest relationship. So I ask a lot of questions. Of almost everyone around me. Even at the age of twenty nine it amazes me on how much opinions differ. One thing remains to be true. We all have needs. Needs that if aren't met will send us looking for "the one" who can meet them. So just recently I asked my friends of facebook, "What is considered a deal breaker in relationships for you?" Me personally. I don't like a man with long hair. Well at least not longer than mine. But what is the one thing (or many) that will make you say, "Oh hell nawww" and pretend to be sick on the first date?


First let's flashback to hmmmm 1997, maybe 1998. I was a very impressionable high school student whose life revolved around my friends, school, my job, and MTV. My favorite show being The Real World. Boston to be precise. There was a black girl named, Kameelah on there that had a list of what her perfect mate would be.
 

It was extremely long. She wanted the best. Made sense to me. So I discussed it during bible study and sunday school with my sisterfriends. As a group we decided to make our own lists. And our Sunday school teacher would keep them until our wedding day. Needless to say....my list is still in her possession. Actually only one of us has received our list. *shrugs*  I however made two copies. As the years go by I review. I noticed the things that mattered to me at 17 didn't matter at 21. Or 25. Or 29. It makes me wonder. Am I just drifting out of my idealistic stage? Or am I just settling?

So back to my facebook responses. Everyone wanted someone with a job. Or at very least an education. And that makes complete sense. I will admit that my longest relationships were with men who didn't have the same hustle and drive in the job keeping department that I had. It made for issues. Serious issues.  Next was smokers. I have dated my fair share of smokers. I even momentarily became one. It is something that I don't like, but unfortunately I have learned to accept. My twenty-two year old nephew informed me that too much makeup and a woman equal to his weight or beyond is a turn-off. Some said lack of Common sense. Many women explained how a man not being able to accept their child(ren) was a no-go. I even heard things as simple as basic hygiene. And as complex as religious issues. "He doesn't have to be a church going man just open to a relationship with Jesus".

That's when I started to realize. What are deal breakers really? It's something we use to put a wall up between ourselves and another person. A reason to stop getting to know someone who for all logical reasons seems like a good person. Every person has a "flaw" something that is just a tad bit different about them. Let's just say that the men I dated chose NOT date me because I was a plus size girl. Or not date me because I was darker-skinned. Or not date me because I was a blue-collar girl. They would have all missed out on the ride and adventure that is falling in love with Valecia. I don't say that to toot my own horn, but honestly every man I have dated leaves that relationship a far better man because of my love. And just think me and these gentlemen would have missed out on a profound moment in BOTH of our lives had we stuck to the petty notion of whats's a hell no. I have dated them all. The man who wanted me to cook, clean, stay at home, and push out his babies. The man infatuated with my ass. The ex-con with seven kids. The broke southern gentleman. The jealous white boy. The Extra tall working bum. And The OCD Atheist.

 All of which had a "hell no huge deal breaker" sign on them from the gate. Most girls would have ran. But I didn't I stayed for the sake of the adventure. And perhaps my desire to find the one. And even though I'm not sure if I may have found him or not I do know that being so quick to say no just might leave you alone in life.

No one is going to fit everything on my list. Not even the 2011 revised version. The goal is not to focus on what things they don't fit. But decide how important are the things/characteristics that they do fit. When you think about it. Suddenly a sexy dread doesn't sound so bad.

Sharing is caring???

DISCLAIMER: A few days ago I had a conversation with one of my facebook/twitter/blog pals about relationships. I love to hear the male opinion. It helps me understand them a tad bit better. After long chats with him I walk away with a little enlightment and just a bit less anger or disappointment in my own love life. This time however I walked away with that hair blown back look they so often use in the Trojan commercials. The things that come out of men's mouths are so confusing and hilarious. He informed me that he is a consistent cheater. He has almost always cheated on his mates. And informed me that if I wanted to do so as well (which I don't) that the person I was cheating with...as well as myself had to follow the cheating rules. Rules?? There are rules to cheating??? Ok I have fuckin heard it all. That led me to another thought. How I am unwilling to knowingly share a man. But deep down inside I believe we all have. So is sharing......really caring??


I live in a fairly small.....uhhh we'll call it a city. It's far bigger than a town, but it is not a metropolis by any means.As a matter of fact U.S. Census Bureau has a calculated at a whopping 199,150 sad ass people.  With all that being said dating picks are very slim here. They fall into these categories: You have slept with them already, you tried to date them and they are "undateable", your family member or friend dated them, they are a hoe, or they are related to you. After you ensure that they aren't one of those five you begin to feel them out. After a few long phone conversations, (you know the great ones where you don't want to get off the phone until the sun comes up) a couple romantic dinners and movie dates you have found yourself in a relationship. An honest relationship. Congrats hun. You now have a boo.


Then the changes kick in. The routines begin to change. He never leaves his phone up anymore. His friends seem really uncomfortable around you like they are watching their words closely. Dates are canceled. Arguments ensue. And then you become.....the female Inspector gadget. With a little investigatory work you start to see things. He doesn't even show a relationship status anymore. The mutual friend you guys have on FB that refers to him as "Boo". You start to watch her statuses closely...wait a fuckin minute....she is claimin yo man....and all hell is about to break lose. Or is it? Well where I'm from not a damn thing happens. You might have a couple heated convos referring to each other as bitches and hoes. You might post a childish status that reads: "Fuck you bitch he tells you what you want to hear, but he comes home to me".It's quite common in my area to have two female friends on your status claiming to be Mrs. Bryan (hypothetical story and name yall). So without actually saying it you have both accepted that he is a shared boo. You would rather share him with "that bitch" than not have him at all. Really hun? You've just put fuel on his already blazing fire. You just told him without saying it "sharing is caring". And that he can keep fuckin off and you.....yes YOU will accept it.

So the question is...when did we begin to lower our standards so damn much? I'm not talking polyamory, or relationships that aren't deemed exclusive or serious. When did we allow Mr. Zero to  think that he was such a hero that he could save every woman within a thirty mile radius and still lay in the sheets with us. Without so much as a question? When did being in a relationship become more than self respect?

Now lets get something straight. Mama aint makin' fun of you or looking down on you. I've been there. Done that. Refuse to be so low that I'm willing to do it again, but I know from experience there is a certain low you are at when you accept less than your best. I've been there. Everyone else was at fault except that person. He was not being held accountable. And until I opened my eyes and held this man accountable for his actions I wouldn't be doing myself justice. 

I was raised with two older brothers. They were fifteen and seventeen when I was born. Therefore I kinda consider myself to be an only child. This has helped me be just a tad bit selfish. A trait that I will never apologize for. The person I choose to make my mate will never have to share me with another man. Therefore I refuse to share him with another woman.  Is sharing caring??? Maybe for someone.You're just not caring for yourself. 

LMAO

The chick who did this wins bad bitch of the year award in my book..LMAO! I'm just saying! Nothing I would be brave enough to do, but deserved nonetheless. Argue with me all day, but here's my take. A heart is a very valuable possession. Vandalize mine if ya want to, but paybacks will be a-coming LOL. This is classic like white reeboks!

Love and the unsatisfiable man aka you expect me to do what????

DISCLAIMER: This is going to get just a little personal. So if you know me personally try NOT to discuss this with me it's the feelings I am more than willing to share with the world that I just refuse to talk about one on one....weird?? I know. Deal with it. This is what I think and feel. There's a comment box for your opinion, but yet and still I'm Chocolate Girl Wonder and this is my proverbial soap box. I stand on it all alone. *smiles*

"Why don't you love me when I make me so damn easy to love"

                                                    -Beyonce Knowles-Carter

I've heard the stories about what it takes to keep a man. It requires being a good woman. I do a good job with that. I have my own job. Yes it's not a career, but it pays my bills. I am smart. I have my own place. I'm loving. Supportive. Pay my own bills. I can cook. I can clean. I have a relationship with my Creator. I have my own car. I'm fairly attractive. I have common sense. I'm not embarrassing in public. I try to be a great accent to my man's life. Not a nuisance. I know the role of the woman and I play it well. Oh.....and don't be fooled by the size 18 jeans. My sex game is vicious. Yeah you read that right ....VICIOUS!! Yet and still I find myself in the same love rat race as my friends who have not a clue. I get the idea that these men...... *gasp* want more. 


I have yet to figure out what the more is. I just came to the conclusion that a woman can be everything that she should be to her significant other and yet and still that simply isn't enough to keep him happy. Whether it be a roaming, hand, eye, and/or penis or just sheer restlessness when they get the girl that fits their mental list they don't know what to do with her, that is except make more requests. And women...we attempt to cater. Why??  We tend to bend over backwards to ensure a relationship rather than be single.  Or we oblige out of love. So we continue to try in vain, because the list NEVER seems to be fulfilled. But the real questions remain unasked. While you're jumping through hoops. Do these men really meet your requirements? I have found myself jumping through hoops for men who have proven themselves to be abusers, cheaters, manipulators, and all around losers. All for the name of love. All for the idea of finding the ONE. Never making any of them jump through hoops. Just expecting them to be the kind-hearted, smart, head-strong good man they seemed to be in the beginning while *sigh* alas getting no results. But I'm still scrambling eggs, while showering and somehow giving head all before I head out the door at seven in the morning. (Sorry for the unnecessary visual, but you get my point) All so I can still not be enough. 


Is this an excuse for men to not settle down, to not commit, to not marry, to not mature. Is this what we as females have to live with? Or is it simply what we deal with? When we expect more we will get more. Or better yet we should lengthen our list of requirements. Maybe we should be waking up to some scrambled eggs and head, and know that it's NOT a power thing, or a demand issue, or doing it out of fear of singledom, but out of true love and the desire to cater to each others needs. The equation is simple an Unsatisfied man = an unsatisfied woman. So we all know what a happy woman equals...... a very happy man. 

In search of the five letter word.........

DISCLAIMER: I'm a believer in love. Love and a good wholesome, healthy, honest relationship has ALWAYS been my goal. As I get closer and closer to thirty I look at the relationships I'm surrounded by, and the things I've experienced and wonder.....where is the healthy BLACK relationship? Where is the five letter word? What word you ask???? Trust. Most relationships don't have it. Or they make a mockery of it, or better yet someone in the relationship (maybe even on both sides) has done something to destroy it. But when it's been destroyed is it possible to rebuild it?

Trust may refer to:

• Trust (social sciences), reliance on another person or entity. Having faith in others and believing them.

I don't consider myself to be naive.  I look at every side of a situation before I jump into it. I acknowledge the pros and cons, but I'm always hopeful that they will land on the positive side of the fence. My trust in a person doesn't happen magically overnight. They have to prove themselves to be trustworthy. In the case of a relationship a man would have to be honest with me on every level to gain my trust. Or at least make me believe he is honest. When situations arise that lead me to believe that he is not the trust begins to dwindle away. I may not say a word to him about it, but everyday thereafter my trust in that man will be drastically altered. I have never made an effort to rebuild before. I just let it dwindle until I walk out and give up. I've given up on a lot of people. Mainly for small mistakes. Now that I'm feeling the need to give it ANOTHER chance I'm on uncharted territory. So I guess I need to know.....

How do you REBUILD trust?
Or better yet...can you? I have heard of couples trying and it not working. I understand why. When a person has been wronged, neglected, or hurt it is hard to pretend like it didn't happen. It's hard to not be apprehensive about it happening again. We all forgive. NO ONE truly forgets. So after you know a person is capable of that is love truly enough to make you put what pieces are left back together and give it another try?

Love is strong it helps you endure some tough situations, but I know you can love someone and not trust them. It's a fucked up place to be, but it is very, very, very VERY, possible. It's not a happy place to be. I had a boyfriend years back that I loved with a fiery passion. I also had such a lack of trust in him I followed him in the bathroom when he pee'd. Yes, I'm serious. I wouldn't do that now, but that was the situation then. Needless to say after the a few bathroom trips with me sitting on the edge of the tub and he was outta there. How the fuck do you start over...with someone you already know anyway. I'm sure someone has done it before and made it work...I wish I could find that couple and ask them some questions?? Your answers are always welcome on this quest......

Dear Future Husband,

Dear Future Husband, 


      You don't know it yet, but you will be going on the most amazing ride of your life. With the perfect companion in me as your wife. I am a handful. I have ridiculous fits of anger and tremendous amounts of love. They can both be given simultaneously. You may think that's impossible, but wait and see. I can be messy, argumentative, with a mouth like a sailor and a liver like one too. I like Sex and The City, pink anything, and taking pictures. I get distracted easy and I tell the same stories often. I have an unhealthy addiction to weave, I have a wig collection, and I'm a college dropout. I'm a hard worker. My uppity Leo ways means I will demand that you treat me like a Queen, but I will ALWAYS treat you like a King in return. I procrastinate. I'm fun to be around. I'll make you laugh. But I will push your buttons in a way you never had done before. I could very well make you want to punch me and kiss me passionately all at the same time. I love makeup. I'm 45% tom boy. 55% girly girl. I can be a downright bitch. Not simply for the sake of being one, but when provoked. I will stand by you when the world and logic tells me to walk away. I am over analytical. I drive like a bat outta hell. I'm kinda hairy and slow on the upkeep. I'm honest. I'm emotional. I want to celebrate Valentine's Day, our birthday's and our anniversaries. They mean EVERYTHING, So please don't overlook them. I'm not clingy, but I require a certain amount of attention. I like Tiffany jewelry, but if you give me a candy bracelet I'd cherish it just the same. I need regular compliments. Even when I wake up looking a mess. I'll be your most passionate kiss, your best sex, and your strongest ally if you promise to never let another in the middle of what we have. I will be your loudest cheerleader, but I can be your biggest critic. I have a jealous streak a mile long, but if you give me no reason to question you. I give you know reason to expose it. Never stop being proud to call me your woman. I in return will never stop being proud to call you my man. I can cook. I just won't do it daily. Depending on which day it is I MIGHT want babies. There will be days when my emotions get the best of me. When I clam up, just hug and kiss me. That will make it all better. I get irate at the idea of liars. I'll resent you if you are one. I will be everything you ever wanted, and a few things you didn't. I'll always speak from the heart even if the words might sting. I am sappy and a romantic. Yet and still I can be a ticking time bomb. All of this......simply in the name of love. Whether its a court house or a filled cathedral be prepared. Not for a second, minute, hour, or day. Be prepared for this breathless, intense, and chaotic love......for a lifetime. Loving you....whoever you are and wherever you may be. 


                                                                                                                   Love Always, 


                                                                                                                       Valecia 

even with out clothes...never take it off.....

So....I'm a fat girl. Yep. Been one for the largest part of my life. It has given me a great deal of insight. A little bit of struggle, but most importantly it allowed me to put on my armor and fierceness EVERYDAY. Some call it confidence. I refer to it as.......BADASSBITCHNESS. Yep. How unlady like of me to create such a term! But it's the one I use. Most importantly it fits. Allow me to explain.

One cold winter night in early 2008 a bored young lady sat at home in her fave Hanes her way tank and grubby sweat pants. Out of sheer boredom I (yes it was me) got off the couch and did my makeup, threw on one of my many wigs that lay in my hall closet, and began to take cell pics for lack of a better social life. After a few pics I was left with this.....

My first thought upon looking at my phone was, "Damn that's a bad bitch". It took awhile, but eventually I came to the conclusion that that "bad bitch" was me. Once that slowly sunk in I began to treat myself as such. I stopped feeling as if a girl in a size six jean was better than me or that I was any less great of a catch because I shopped in a different section than some of the girls from work I went on shopping excursions with. I finally became a confident woman. I think the new found confidence allowed me to be more outspoken, more comfortable in any situation, sexier, more....Valecia. I think that confidence helped start my relationship with E.B. Honestly I felt unstoppable.

It didn't stay that way though. Not at all.

I don't blame my boyfriend for my personal feelings about myself, but sometimes women tend to connect their self-worth to their relationships. When things were good, I felt beautiful. When things were bad, I felt bad, ugly, and horrendously unworthy. The badassbitchness that had reeled him in was gone.

But I didn't know it yet.

In April of last year I decided to schedule a photo shoot. Not because I wanted to, but because my boyfriend thought it was a good idea. In between the 3 months before the shoot I worked out like crazy and focused hard on trying to make my photos the most positive experience possible. A few of my "urban plus size model" friends informed me that I was in good hands photographer wise. So all that was left to do was point and shoot. When I stepped out in the sun of the Chicago Lakeshore Drive location I froze up immediately. I could feel the sweat seeping through my dress. People were watching and probably wondering "Who the fuck is this fat girl?" I'm sure they wanted to know what made me so special. I'm sure they were judging everything about me. I realized then while worrying about my nails and clothes and hair I forgot to put on the most important piece. My BADASSBITCHNESS. I felt weak and extremely vulnerable. Others liked the pictures. Me?? Not so much simply because it made me think about the experience being slightly..crappy.

Confidence is not an easy thing. I struggle with it daily, but I get better with each morning I wake. Few have it in it's truest, purest, most unwavering form. Those people are generally considered egotistical and self-centered. One comes to mind immediately....


Honestly I envy these types. Just a little bit. BADASSBITCHNESS should never be taken off. Good days. Bad days. Dressed to the nines. In your sweats. Or butt ass naked. You should still have it on. Yes ladies. Your BADASSBITCHNESS and a smile and you can make it through anything. So with all that said,

"What are you wearing?"

Random Verbal Spewage: What Fat is NOT.....

We all talk about fat, plumpness, obesity etc., but seriously what exactly is fat?
fat   /fæt/ Show Spelled adjective,fat·ter, fat·test, noun, verb,fat·ted, fat·ting. –adjective
–adjective

1. having too much flabby tissue; corpulent; obese: a fat person.

2. plump; well-fed: a good, fat chicken.

3. consisting of or containing fat; greasy; oily: fat gravy; fat meat.


Now that we got all that out of the way let's talk about what fat is NOT:
It's not an excuse to NOT give 100% of yourself. To not expect the very best treatment from people you meet. It's not a reason to NOT walk with your head held high. It's not a reason to not buy yourself a fierce outfit, powder your gorgeous face, gloss those sexy lips, do something fabulous with your hair and head out for a nite out, It's not a reason to stay in an unhappy or volatile relationship (cause trust me sweetheart you can and WILL do better), it's not a reason to be someone's second, third, or fourth option, it's not a reason to not be health minded fruits and veggies are NOT a rarity, but most of all.......

it's not a reason to NOT love yourself.

a change gon' come

My life has gotten stale. Yes stale. Like chips in a bag left opened. Or bread you leave on the counter too long. Not so much my life, but my look. I've grown increasingly lax with my high quality God given hotness. It's cooled down considerably. And I have to do something about it. IMMEDIATELY
I used to be very much a "I need to go to MAC a minimum of once a month or my life might end" kinda gal. That just kinda died with the recession. I also used to be a "I have 1500 wigs and you don't know which woman you might wake up to" kinda gal. Not anymore.....I actually bore the hell outta myself now. So I'm contemplating a new Valecia. Hell I'm almost 30 and I need my hotness to carry over in a way that dynamic, and everchanging....like Rhianna but no mohawks and wearable. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was being in a relationship and waking up to someone seeing me in my scarf and makeup free that made me think slouchiness was acceptable...well back on game plan...new looks will be coming soon.

Ain't nothing wrong with some self-love.....

Disclaimer: If you're thinking dirty thoughts congrats you're a perv! And for that reason alone I love you and you are my friend, however that is not what this entry is about so......get your mind out of the gutter! Go ahead......I'll wait.

So Valentine's Day is upon us. The day where lovers express their love in grand gestures such as airplanes making messages through the sky, marriage proposals, a rose covered pathway to ecstasy, a shared bubble bath, or just loving quiet time alone. As I type this I become repulsed. Not that these things make me sick. Actually repulsed is the wrong word. The term I'm looking for is "filled and overwhelmed with complete jealousy" ...yep that sounds about right.

Valentines Day has always been my unlucky spot. Back in high school when guys sent girls flowers I would get one, from a guy friend who thought I was a sweet girl and felt sorry for me. Guys loved me they thought I was the coolest female friend EVER! I liked guy stuff and to top it off I had a nice rack, but I just wasn't relationship material. I even had a little motto:

"Valecia A. Price Every guy's girl, but no man's woman"

My dating life did not take off until age eighteen. I moved away to Mississippi for college and suddenly the self-proclaimed fat, black girl was HOT!!! Me being new to relationships I came home at the end of the school year engaged. Yes engaged. Now even with a fiance in tow I got not a damn thang for V-day. We both were college kids working at Burger King. Our romance that night on our shift included taking a break together...and splitting a Double Whopper w/ bacon and cheese value meal!

Even with the almost five years I dated Master Manipulator we were so on again off again that we only had one valentines day together and that was a total bust! So now with E.B (Estranged Boyfriend for those who may have forgotten) I have taken on the attitude of a contestant on For the Love of Ray J. I want to win in the end, but I just don't expect much. I want the candlelit dinners, presents of jewelry, and big gaudy flourishing expressions of love. Call me corny, but I crave that. It just NEVER happens!

I'm proclaiming February 11th-14th as love your damn self weekend. I'm going to get my eyebrows done, kill some stray hairs, buy some new hair, a new outfit, do my nails, ya know just do something special for me. It feels as if I've been waiting for so long for someone to love me like I want, need and deserve. Maybe it's best that I do it myself. I guess "set the standard" if you will.

"You can't love nobody until you love you, so when you do love somebody you know what to do" Murphy Lee "Love you baby"

"She even wear her hair down her back like mine"

Don't get it twisted I love my baby to bits and pieces. My E.B. (Estranged Boyfriend) as I affectionately call him loves me too (I guess), but there's one thing we don't agree on. My love of wigs and weaves and no matter how hard I try to go without them for the sake of a happy home I can't. I just can't. I love me and I think I'm by far one of the coolest chicks on the planet, but I'm not as pretty without long hair. Yeah. That's a fucked up thing to say, but it's true. It's my truth.

"You make sure your hair looks pretty. Always have presentable hair. It's one thing to be fat, another to be black, but NEVER be fat, black, and bald-headed."

Those words came from the mouth of my mom when I was five. I will remember them for the rest of my life. I'm already a chubster. Even when I lose weight I will be happy at 175-180, and at my height (5'4") that will Still make me a chubster so fat is basically my life. I'm a dark ass girl. I'm ok with that. Ain't a bleaching cream in the world gonna change it. Nor do I want to change it. I'm a dark chocolate princess. A plus-size barbie. I'm a diva. A Bad Bitch, but not so much when I look like this.

or

I have NOTHING in common with the above two girls. They look like me, but yet just an uglier version of myself.

Call it a warped sense of self-esteem if you want, but it's all apart of a look. And I know exactly what look works for me. I do what I must to make myself feel beautiful. Maybe he feels I am beautiful without it, but I have learned over the years you can't change things about you for someone else's happiness. Even though it's nice to have other's love you. I like the love I have for myself a hell of a lot more. I like to get ready for work, look in the mirror, and know that when I get on the bus all the perverted men will be looking at me, because I'm THAT damn well put together! And I don't feel that way when it comes to the hair that grows out of my head. Sorry!

This girl is me....synthetic half-wig happiness and all
So do what makes you happy...Wayne said, "She even wear her hair down her back like mine". But he didn't say shyt about how she got it! LOL