The age factor

The last time I checked women go into menopause generally around the mid forties to mid fifties stage. Until then their ovaries and other baby making organs are hard at work...doing whatever it is they generally do. I say all that to say I am NOT in any form of menopausal or pre-menopausal stage. So why when people figure out that I'm a twenty-eight year old black woman whose not married, intelligent, not crazy, and NOT A MOTHER I get that "really that's odd" face. Like I said I have one eye, two noses and three ass cheeks.  WTF is that about? Why does society expect me to be a single mother? What happened to being wives, and then mothers. Or even just having a child that's planned rather than being unpleasantly surprised? So let's discuss the age factor. What it's like to be an almost thirty childless woman in a world of under drinking age baby mamas. 


  First things first I am not disrespecting my single mothers. You work magic everyday and deserve all the accolades that are due. I just find it odd that I'm expected to be one. The looks, stares, glares, and eventually smiles I get when I say I have no kids. The funny things is the majority of the off looks come from women. Like once I admit to being childless I am no longer apart of the sisterhood. I get this face of shock as if I just revealed on Maury that I'm a man. It seems to abruptly change the tone of the conversation and sometimes downright ends it. Especially with girls younger than me. I believe that sometimes they look to me for this motherly know it all advice, but then second guess me as naive, or young or not as experienced in life. The fact of the matter is if you're looking to talk to me about childcare, potty training techniques, your child's behavior at school, or breast feeding I may or may not be of help. You want to talk to me about a good crease brush, a mixed drink recipe, the pros and cons of OPI vs. China Glaze, who in the city does a great full set and design, money management, or wine decisions I am your girl. It's not that I'm immature. I am actually very mature, but maturity level hasn't reached parent stage yet. And you know what???? It doesn't have to. I'm still allowed to be selfish, because I have no responsibilities. The fact of the matter is I have had many, many life experiences. Child birth and motherhood is just a few that I haven't had. It doesn't make me inexperienced when it comes to life. I'm waiting for that experience I know it will trump all others. 


  I had to first decide whether I even wanted to be a parent. After years of debating I decided that I wanted to. Then I have to find a suitable father. And then we have to have sex. See??? I know how it works I'm just pacing myself. LOL For me it makes sense to enjoy my twenties. I enjoy quality time to myself. Quiet. Peace. Doing what I want to when I want to. Being selfish. Then.....I will venture out into making a family. That I plan with someone I love. Or a sperm bank. LOL Who the hell knows, but the people around me aren't going to force the issue for my life. Not even my mother who whines constantly about wanting grandbabies. No one has more say about my goodies than me. I know the clock is ticking, but I'm no where near out of time.

So I was thinking.......( a random inebriated rant): The love/sex/relationship version

Excuse me while I fill my special Moscato glass. This rant is going to go everywhere so......if you're into structured blogging might I suggest you move to St. Elsewhere. And this will not be a G rated discussion.....so ummm you have been fully warned. This could get a little crude, crass, gutta, and whatever other euphemism you may use for unlady like tackiness. Let the show begin.

I could shave my goodies into a cute little heart, maintain all body hair to a low if not non-existent stage, maintain flawless sexy bouncy hair at all times, cute pedicured toes, a hot wardrobe, a cute face, and a sick shoe game, a beautiful mind, and a sexy plump body, with earth-shattering good va-jay jay and I will still be in the club/church/museum/casino/library/___________(fill in blank with any location women go hopelessly looking to meet men) searching. I wont spend another second looking for him....






TELL THAT MUTHAFUCKA COME FIND ME

Maybe love is not for me. MM told me that I give the best love to the worst niggas. Hmmm soooo what you're trying to tell me is to stop being who I am??? Stop being a good woman. Or pick better men??? Well in my defense the men I date don't tend to show that they are sub-par until after I put all my energy and good loving on em'. Yeah after I've stroked there ego and done many "good woman" acts they then want to jump out of the proverbial birthday cake on some "Hey baby I ain't shyt/I got issues/I'm a fixer-upper/I'm crazy/I'm a hoe" type shyt. SMH I'm thinking about becoming asexual. (Look it up) This is just becoming too much. But wait...where will I get sex? Never mind. I'll just do porn.....and remain single j/k.
I am proud to say at the age of 28 I have finally learned how to differentiate between love and sex. It took a while, but I finally understand it. The person I love has some pretty kick ass sex. If I could continuously give him the na-na without being reminded of the love I'd do it, but I can't. The love part is FAR more confusing than the good old bump and grind sooo... I'll just have lonely na-na. (Jeez that sux!) Ladies please learn the difference it will save you a LOT of unnecessary heartache. 
Oh and while I'm going on about "doin' it" yall wrap it up!!!! Hoes are on the prowl!!! Life is far more fulfilling than an orgasm. And I heard single parent-hood ain't too fun either!
Some people tend to believe that fat/chubby/curvy girls aren't cute enough to have men/boyfriends/potentials/suitors/etc. I have heard some go into detail about how unattractive, unappealing, and undesirable a plus-size woman is to them....ummm ok babes that is your opinion. Hold onto it for dear life but you will never make me believe that this chick right here aint the hottest fat girl alive.

And I can give you a front and back list of men who feel the same. It has nothing to do with being even an ounce of conceited, but it has everything to do with being sexy and confident. I know that any real man wouldn't dare dream of fucking off on this girl....as MM would say unless he was on his, "Hoe nigga shyt".
I'm not the baddest chick in the game, but my exes always leave me for some extra lame ugly bitches....ugh WTF are THEY on???? smh They must got bank!!
Who fakes orgasms??? *hand up* I do!! The male ego is a delicate thing. If you tell him he's the shit he will act accordingly. If you tell him he bang like he just discovered he even had a penis you will get nothing, but a man that's scared to try again....so I do what I gotta.....when I gotta. 
Every woman should know a few great sexual tricks. Use them accordingly. Every man don't deserve the "taj Mahal" some just need to get the state capital.
The next man I seriously date has to bring so much to the table all I need to do is pull up a chair and feast! I'm not at all a gold-digger, but if I gotta donate to his fund...I am done. I'm on my Tierra Marie shit. I'm trying to find myself a sponsor.....
Don't be fooled by this ramble sex isn't the ruler of my existence. Love is. I'm just a tad bit (understatement) disillusioned by the relationships I've been in. Some things will never change. I'm a princess. I still want a prince. A real one. 
One thing I have never been able to do. Make myself stop loving someone....hmmm??? Is it really even possible?? If any of you have tried and succeeded. Teach me. Please?
Why are so many men ok with being rebounds. It makes me wonder.....do you really want my exes bitter ass leftovers? 
Ummm I learned the hard way...it really is the motion of the ocean. Cuz everyone that fills a gold wrapped condom isn't beating down walls...smh I would explain, but I don't wanna pull up that sad memory.And even worse incriminate myself. 
I digress I am no longer against cheating... a woman's reason is never the same as a man's. I know. I shocked myself when I came to this conclusion. It's still not right, but *kanye shrug*
I can't stand a liar..I guess it's the truth. Men lie. Women lie. Numbers don't. 
Sometimes I want to be a hoe just to see why niggas like doing it so much, but then I realize I have a full time job. It takes too much effort to remember which men I'm turning down. Who the hell has time to accept them all and date them all. Hell I do got to sleep!
I'm waiting. The man upstairs is going to give me a man that is everything I wanted, and some of the things I didn't know I wanted and I'm going to love him long time. And dammit he will feel the same way about this chocolate girl. The love will be amazing. The Sex will be amazing. And the relationship will....be amazing. With a trifecta like that we will be unstoppable. Until then.....I just have to be unstoppable....by my damn self.

 

Things my Mama Taught me: Unheeded Good advice on Loot, Life, and Love Vol. I Pt. 2

Disclaimer: Though the last entry of "things my mama taught me" didn't get many comments on my blog it garnered a lot of support from my facebook and twitter family. I decided to make it a monthly "series" if you will. After all in my twenty-eight years on this earth my mom has given me plenty advice that I didn't take into consideration. I know I have enough to fill 2010. Enjoy!

When I was little my babysitter was my grandmother. So I amused myself by doing old woman things all day. We shelled peas, shucked corn, and watched old television shows. When I say old I mean "The Beverly Hillbillies","My Three Sons", "The Patty Duke Show" "Happy Days", and "Joanie Loves Chachi". The latter two being my absolute favorites. It gave me an idea of what life was going to be like when I (then four) became a teenager. I was fascinated with the pencil skirts, bobby socks, and the downright good old wholesomeness of it all.



Okay so it was a very wrong idea of what my teenage years would be like, but I thought it was pretty on point. I thought boys would take me on dates, buy me flowers, and chocolates, hold my hand, and depending on how much I liked them, at the end of the night I'd give them a kiss. On the cheek of course. Needless to say it never really worked like that. I never got my flowers or chocolates.I liked a few a little more than a lot. And gave away a little more than a cheek kiss. Which leads me to unheeded advice from mama part dos:
LESSON TWO: SEX AND LOVE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. DON'T CONFUSE THEM!

"Baby Sex and Love are two totally different things. As much as it seems like they go together perfectly one can survive without the other. Just because you love them doesn't mean they love you back."

Huh? No! WTF?! No mama say it ain't so! I love my boyfriend so because I do I have sex with him. And it makes him love me more. This you say can't possibly be true! LMAO Says my twenty-one year old self. I believed that love conquered all. And that sex was something you only had with those you love. Needless to say I also thought I had been in love already *smirk* I didn't know much.


What I did know was that I had a heart bursting full of love and I just wanted to get married at twenty one and clean house and push out babies and cook. Of course I don't feel that way now.
It took a few shake-ups and heartaches to understand that sex is a tool. Yes a tool. A tool to express love, desire, and passion. It can be used to manipulate, to hurt, and to dominate. Oddly enough it can be all these things in the same relationship. I had to run in my room and cry a few times before this all made sense. Thanks mom for the advice. Even when I didn't respond favorably.

"Not everyone you laying with loves you and not everyone you love you gonna lay with"